My brother, my enemy………How to deal with sibling rivalry
YOU hope as a parent that, as you see on The Brady Bunch, your little angels will play dutiful big brother/little sister to each other, and get along most of the time.
But what often happens when there is more than one child in your household is that they’ll fight – even coming to blows – and will swing back and forth between adoring and detesting each other.
Known as sibling rivalry, this behaviour often starts even before the second child is born, and continues as the children grow and compete for everything – from toys to your attention. And as kids reach different stages of development, their evolving needs could significantly affect how they relate to one another.
“My daughter picks fights with her brother every single day of the week,” Marie Barnett, a mother of a six and four-year-old tells all woman. “She says he’s a pest, and that he annoys her, but sometimes she retaliates with such force, that she actually hurts him.”
Added Michelle Scott, a mother of five-year-old twin girls: “They argue and fight like cats. I spend half my time parting their fights. One will hit the other and run, and then she’ll get so angry that she’ll hit her sister back so hard, that she’s in actual pain.”
Dr Dan Harkness, a physician from kidshealth.org, says it is often hard to know how to stop the fighting, or even whether you should get involved at all. But you can take steps to promote peace in your household and help your kids get along.
Causes and solutions
“Many different things can cause siblings to fight,” he said, “most brothers and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, and this can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors might also influence how often kids fight and how severe the fighting gets.”
Other causes include the child’s changing needs, anxieties and identity and how these affect their relationship with their sibling; the child’s individual temperanent – he may just be moody while his brother is a fireball; and the way you resolve your own problems – if you and your spouse work through conflicts in a way that’s respectful, productive, and not aggressive, your children will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another.
So what should you do when the fighting starts?
Experts advise that whenever possible, don’t get involved. Step in only if there’s a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, the kids may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own.
When getting involved, try to separate kids until they’re calm; don’t put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame; and try to set up a “win-win” situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there’s a game they could play together instead.
“Remember, as kids cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life – like how to value another person’s perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses,” Dr Harness said.
Helping them get along
Simple ways to prevent fighting include:
. Set ground rules for acceptable behaviour. Tell the kids that there’s no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, and no door slamming.
. Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own thing – to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.
. Let them know their individual worth.
. Have fun together as a family. Since parental attention is something many kids fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.
