Men under pressure

AS women we tend to focus so much on ourselves and our issues, that we fail to spend time understanding our men, or even giving second thought to the fact that they may have problems too.

Indeed, the mere thought that her man may be undergoing any sort of emotional trauma will lead many a woman to place him in the red zone, among the untouchables who have no place in her life.

But truthbeknownst, men are pressured at work to perform; pressured at home to be the head and the provider; pressured by their peers to have the same social life that they do (this can be from promiscuity, smoking and illegal activities); and they have to look good doing it too.

And psychologist Dr Leachim Semaj says that this begins as early as childhood.

“A lot of the pressure that men face come about as a result of bad parenting,” he said. “Parents put more pressure on the girls to perform while the boys are basically left to play and do what they want.”

Yet when they grow up, we demand that they be good role models for the kids, be a killer between the sheets, a handyman around the house, take care of the bills, provide a comfortable home for their families … not to mention never failing to do the the unforgivable – remembering our birthdays, anniversaries and woo us come Valentine’s Day and other ‘special’ days.

For Mark Anthony, a 34-year-old family man living in Montego Bay, the stress comes in all forms. “Sometimes you want to go out and try a thing for yourself, but you find that the woman discourages you because she is looking at it through her eyes and can’t see it from yours. She feels that if you do it your way you will fail. And just so there will be peace, you sometimes have to give up your plans and do it her way. This is pressuring because you are not allowed to be a man,” he tells all woman.

Added to that letdown is the financial pressures that come about as a result of the man not being able to fully meet the needs of his family.

“A man will go out and steal and kill because he sees his wife and children hungry – not because he wants to do it, but because he loves his family and wants them to be comfortable,” he said.

Sexual pressure steps in when the man is not able to fully satisfy his partner and she begins to complain. This can not only drive the woman away, but also drive the man in the arms of another, just to prove that he still has what it takes to satisfy a woman.

“When she say she need servicing, I have to give it to her whether mi tired or not,” Jayden Morgan said. “You think I can tell her that mi tired or mi have headache? I just have to get the stamina and please her.”

For others like 35-year-old salesman Garnett Powell, pressure comes about from the desire to live up to the modus operandi of his father when he was a child.

“I grew up in an environment where the man buys the food, pays the bills and takes care of things inside and outside the house, so I feel that is my responsibility,” Powell said. “It’s more of a financial thing, you know you are a man and there are things you are expected to do. I pressure myself because I know I have to find ways and means of fulfilling my responsibilities,” he said.

Powell explained too that his wife plays a major role in easing the pressure that could have been felt because whenever he falls short, she fills the gap, though being the provider is society’s expectation of a responsible man.

“Men are expected to be the breadwinner and to lead, but the men are under pressure because a lot of the men don’t even qualify to lead,” Dr Semaj pointed out. “For the last 25 years in Jamaica, women have outnumbered men in teritiary level education. For every four graduates, three are females. For law and medicine the figure is even worse,” Dr Semaj said.

This lack of education results in young men coming under pressure to perform and adequately fulfil their roles as men.

This, using an example, is seen in the fact that primary school boys will go to school with a bag stacked with books; and at the high school level, they no longer see the importance of taking books to school because they have now been told that ‘bad man nuh walk wid books’, thus adding pressure to the young man who genuinely wants to learn.

Also, once the young man graduates from primary or prep school, he now enters a world in high school where he is pressured to have that ‘pretty boy look’, thus many will forsake their education in an effort to fit in with their peers. The same attitude is often taken over to the tertiary level.

After graduating, they are then expected to be the providers, but many are not able to do so as a result of their lack of qualifications. The family therefore suffers and this brings more pressure as the man now realises that he is not equipped to take care of them.

“My babymother come to me and tell me that she want me to read to my daughter every night and go to every PTA meeting,” Morgan said. “This is after my boss piss me off at work and after I realise that my car need servicing and the money run out. Sometimes I wonder how much she expect from me. I mean, is just me, one likkle mawga man, and she expect seh everyday mi mus jus run, run, run, like mi can’t run outta steam too!”

Said Dr Semaj: “What comes out as domestic violence and macho behaviour is their inability to cope. Some of the men are unsocialised and rough, while the girls are ready for the social world.” This is evident he says, from the well groomed young ladies at graduations as against the gangster ‘scruffy’ looks of the boys’ attire.

Again, Dr Semaj emphasises that parenting plays a major role in the outcome of these men.

“More pressure is being put on girls to perform and they have been delivering,” Dr Semaj said. “A lot of young men don’t have a clue how to approach a woman and build a relationship simply because they are not taught. Where do they get their guidance? From dancehall artistes?

They too don’t know,” the psychologist said “When a female lacks socialisation, she becomes reproductive, when a male lacks socialisation, he become destructive.”

This destruction is displayed in their coarseness, macho behaviour, domestic disputes and the many babymother syndromes.

Yet another pressure is where the woman earns more than the man, and when he is brought up with the belief that he should be the provider.

“A lot of men are terrified when the woman earns more, because they feel they have an image to live up to,” Dr Semaj said.

New research conducted at Ohio State University suggests that men also feel pressured to have muscular bodies, and that influence can lead some to symptoms of eating disorders, pressure to use steroids, and an unhealthy preoccupation with weightlifting.

“Men see these idealised, muscular men in the media and feel their own bodies don’t measure up,” said Tracy Tylka, author of the study and assistant professor of psychology at Ohio State University’s Marion campus.

It’s all about a muscular, drop dead gorgeous body, Duane Millingen, a Linstead resident agrees. “When I was younger and watching movies, I admired Rambo and Arnold Schwartzneggar and wanted to be like them,” he said. “Then after a while lifting weights and keeping fit became a health issue.” So much so that today, decade later, he still goes by the name ‘Rambo’.

Rambo says though he personally does not see it as a pressure, he believes in having a fabulous looking body and putting in the extra effort to accomplish this. As he gets older he is also able to attract the younger girls, have that macho image, and maintain sexual confidence.

“Training has to do with sexual competence so the only way to maintain that confidence it to keep up the fitness,” he said.

The pressures seem many, the relief, few.

Dr Semaj advised that women try to help the men by starting with family life and how we train our boys and emphasise the importance of education beyond the primary level. This will rid our young men of the gangster, badmanism, coarseness, and pretty boy view of life.