Ask RB
Worried about break-up
Dear RB,
I’ve never written to an advice columnist before but I’m confused. Last Monday night I was working and got really upset because one of the girls was making fun of me. I sent my boyfriend a text message about what was happening, and after listening for a while, he asked if she’s hot or nasty? I asked him what that had to do with anything and he never replied.
A couple hours later he invited me to a movie, but I didn’t see him when I entered the theatre. I tried messaging him and then called him but he had turned off his phone. Instead of leaving, I went to the front row, and after about 20 minutes, he texted me to ask where I was.
I told him I’d been in the theatre and didn’t see him. I was still so upset, that when the credits came up, I had tears in my eyes. I held my head down and just got up and left. By the time I got to my car I burst into tears.
Now he is furious that I walked out of the movie, and wants to end things. I probably shouldn’t have walked out, but I was upset. He refuses to call me because he said he already tried. I ended up apologising to him for an hour and a half through text messages. I’ve talked to my friends and they say that I didn’t do anything wrong. We’ve been together for four months and he just told me he loves me. To break up over this, I don’t understand. Please help.
– Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
Though your story is a little sad, it is not unusual. Your friends are right, you did not do anything wrong, young lady. I believe that your four month old relationship just ran into a really big snag. Your boyfriend just found out that you expect him to behave in a certain kind of way when he tells you he loves you. He is not ready for this responsibility. I also believe that he is discovering that having a girlfriend who comes and goes as she pleases is not what he wants now.
So just try not to dwell on this too much.
More to the point, please stop apologising, and remember the pain his words inflicted on you. It will pass. You boyfriend knows that you have nothing to apologise for, and every time you apologise you make him feel bad.
For the future, please try not to be so emotional. Though this is not a crime, it may be wiser to keep as much of this sore spot to yourself and not expose it to so many people. Many persons will use your vulnerabilities against you. You’ll feel better soon.
I really don’t love him
Dear RB,
I live with my boyfriend and our daughter, but I’m afraid to tell him that I don’t love him anymore. He’s an ok guy, but there’s really no love for him and I’m only living here because of my daughter. I also am quite attractive and all the men at work want to get involved with me. How can I get out of this relationship without causing him pain?
– Out of Love
Dear Out of Love,
I hate to tell you this, but there is no way to do this without causing pain. The other thing you may not understand is that you may not only be causing your boyfriend pain, you may also be causing your daughter pain. He is her father, from whom you are separating her. So what to do?
If you no longer want this relationship, then you need to find a way to speak frankly to your child’s father and decide how to end the relationship. It is necessary to discuss how this will affect your daughter, living, visiting, finances, etc. It would be helpful if you first tried to find out how he feels about you and his daughter, so that you can make your plans with this in mind. For example, he too could be a little bored, even out of love with his attractive live-in girlfriend! He could agree to take this in stride or react badly. Find out so that you are not surprised.
Just be careful to consider your daughter in all this falling in and out of love stuff. Try to protect her as much as you can from the consequences of your changes of heart. And I am hoping that you are not now planning more children.
Stuck with a belly
Dear RB,
I got pregnant for this man intentionally, even though he had another girl who was pregnant at the time. Now he says he wants nothing to do with me and I’m stuck with a belly and he is still with his other woman. I realised too late that I couldn’t get him to be mine just because of a baby and now I don’t know what to do. What do you think?
– Stuck
Dear Stuck,
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I will not even utter a word of censure, for I am sure that you have said far worse things to yourself. You need to talk to a counsellor immediately. Please find someone who can help you deal with the emotional distress you must feel. Talk to your doctor or your parson. Or find a psychologist. It is important to discuss your options, and to try to come to accept the choice you will ultimately make. Please do this now, before too much more time passes. Good luck.
Need no-frills advice about relationships, sex or just about anything else? Send questions to RB Samuels c/o all woman, 42 Beechwood Ave Kgn 5; via email to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com or fax 968-2025. We’re sorry, but RB cannot provide personal responses.
