The ‘my man’s gonna leave me’ blues

NOT so long ago a girlfriend of mine told me what I thought at the time was the weirdest thing. One particular morning she woke up feeling under the weather. She felt so bad she started crying. It was her 31st birthday. She explained that it had dawned on her that she was getting old and that her husband was going to leave her for a younger woman.

When she explained this to him, he laughed while trying to console her that he would never leave her for anyone else. But she just couldn’t shake the feeling.

Then one day I happened to flip my television channel and came upon The First Wives’ Club, where three women, all over the age of 35, had just lost their husbands to teenaged ‘hotties’. They then got together and decided to form a club to help other women who were going through similar situations. That was when I realised that not only did my girlfriend have a genuine concern, but that other women over 30 did too.

So I got to asking around. And the stories got more interesting.

One woman, Yvonne, got married at 24. Both her and her husband were Christians. This gave her some amount of comfort in believing the union would be ‘until death do us part’.

“I never had the fear that he would one day leave me for a younger woman,” Yvonne said.

Then one day, when she was in her early 30s, her husband stopped going to church and more and more she saw evidence of him being involved with other persons – younger persons.

Today, four years after their separation, she is not sure if their break-up was because he felt she was getting old, or something that would have happened regardless, since he had never told her so.

“The person he is now with is younger, but I am not sure if it is because of age. Maybe it was because of the type of work he did,” she said.

She explained that he is a photographer and his contact with so many females may have added to the temptation. But he is still living with the younger woman.

Joan’s story is a bit different. She had been married for 15 years. In her view she had the perfect marriage – her husband was supportive, always there, they did just about everything together. She had no idea what their bills were since he would take care of everything. He would bathe her, dry her, lotion her, and the sex was non-stop. She was living the life many women only dreamed of.

Then one day it happened without any warning. He came home with an hickey on his chest. She just stood there, looking speechless at first, then she became angry. One month later he moved out. She was 31, the other woman was in her 20s. She admitted that she is still not sure if age was a factor. Today they are in the final stages of a divorce and he still lives with the younger woman.

Experiencing the blues?

While concerns about the attraction factor affect many women as they and the marriage get older, it doesn’t have to get to the point where you’re bawling your eyes out each time your husband looks at a younger woman.

Experts say the best ways to ensure that he doesn’t stray are:

* Do the things he loved before you got married, the things that attracted him to you in the first place.

* Dress sexy – many women (and sad to say, many Christians especially), tend to dress less attractively as soon as they have tied the knot, leaving the man to wonder what went wrong. Keep your sex appeal, especially at home. Ensure that he sees you at your best at all times.

. Encourage his goals and dreams – believe in your man and stand behind him.

. Be interested in the things he loves. Encourage his socialisation and his sporting activities.

. Defend him in front of others, even if you know he is wrong. Then in private make him know of your true feelings.

. Be sexually free with your husband – set the stage for the freedom to explore each other’s bodies.

. As much as possible, go places together. Include him in your everyday activities and encourage him to include you in his.

. Be friends with his friends.

. Spend quality time alone at least once per week. Ship the kids off or go out on a date together. This will keep the excitement and fire burning in the relationship.

-Additional information from commitment.com.

So what do you think? Email your thoughts to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com