Is three a crowd?

TWELVE. That’s how many times Anthony L admits he got down on his knees in front of his girlfriend, hoping to wear down her inhibitions about introducing another woman into their relationship.

The 32-year-old lawyer says it was never an issue that was up for debate in the relationship – “she either had to do it or I would get bored,” he tells All Woman. “She knew that I was always like that.”

And, he gleefully admits via IM, “You don’t know what you missing before you try. It’s the difference between corned beef and a perfectly cooked Christmas ham – spectacular. It was just a way to spice things up, and neither of us regret it.”

Duane S admits that when it comes to sex he is “crazy bad”.

“If [my woman] was willing, I would organise the whole threesome thing,” he said.

He spoke of his prior involvement in threesomes, but noted that none of the women were his steady partners. Having already experienced sex with two women together, his greatest fantasy now is to watch another man make love with his wife, then joining in.

“I know that may sound weird because when it comes to threesomes, most men would not want to see their woman with another woman. But I am different, It would turn me on greatly to see my wife with another man! The only thing is that I would employ the services of a stranger, maybe a male masseuse, somebody who doesn’t know us,” he said. “The key in threesomes is, you have to have an understanding and know that it is just to make your sex life more exciting.”

Dave P, a police officer, also confessed to having threesomes, and like Duane, none of the women were his steady partners.

“They were lesbians and one of them invited me to her house. I went for the fun of it because I knew she was a lesbian. Her friend was there and they started messing around and invited me to join in the excitement,” he said.

Excitement?

Although a threesome might initially seem like the best way to spice up a dull love life, some psychologists believe it increases insecurities and can ruin a relationship in the long run.

Dr Leachim Semaj says the need to engage in a threesome is usually due to the desire of one or more partners to experiment and try new things.

“For a lot of men, it is the most common fantasy and then there are some women who are willing to try the fantasy because the man suggests it. By doing so they don’t have to feel shy or backward,” he says.

But for the psychologist, the only benefit of such an act is sexual gratification.

While a threesome might seem to be all fun and games, the relationship between a couple does not necessarily survive such an experiment. In fact, family counsellor Angela Worges from the Family Life Ministries believes the opposite occurs instead.

“I know some persons decide to do it at first, but afterwards distrust develops and jealousy; especially when a wife is paying more attention to the other man,” she explains.

The counsellor says it can also lead to the individual’s self-esteem being lowered. This as a wife or a husband can be lead to feel they are inadequate if their spouse expresses the desire to take someone else into the bedroom.

That’s exactly what Peaches says she fears.

While she admits to All Woman that she has a “wild side” and “would try anything once”, she says that the very thought of her boyfriend asking for a threesome brings back all the insecurities she holds about herself and her body.

“I wonder, ‘doesn’t he want just me? Isn’t he satisfied?’ And I am a pretty confident person. Imagine someone who is less confident in themselves?”

Says Dr Semaj: “A person’s sexuality is a private matter but having now engaged in something that is shared with a third party, it can lead to a lot of regrets, because now somebody else knows your business outside of the immediate person that you are intimate with, adding more pressure to the relationship.”

It becomes especially troublesome if the invited party now develops feelings for his/her friend’s spouse. Among other things, it can spark jealousy and hatred that might not have been in the relationship before.

But despite the far-reaching effects, Dr Semaj says threesomes are becoming increasingly popular in Jamaica.

“With the advent of cable and ‘blue movies’ there is a lot more things being shown to people. Just the way the cable shows it makes it … become more acceptable,” he says.

Threesome tips

1. Make sure that if you agree, it’s something that you want too, and not just what your partner wants.

2. Set limits and stick to them. Don’t make it a five-some just because you’ve compromised on three.

3. Let the other people know what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not.

-allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com

The pros

1. Many will argue that it’s fun to mix things up every now and then. Threesomes are different and erotic and add spice.

2. They may teach you something new about what you like and new things to try with your partner.

3. They’re a great way to fulfil those fantasies.

The cons

1. You can never go back to being monogamous or make a pretence at being faithful. Once it’s done, it’s done.

2. Bringing in a third person always highlights the problems in a relationship. It will highlight any jealousy or insecurity that’s there.

3. They may make you or your partner feel like it’s OK to test the limits and cheat in future.