Newlyweds: making the adjustment
WHEN two people of diverse backgrounds come together to live in holy matrimony, there is much that they will have to compromise if they intend to live happily ever after.
According to family and marriage therapist Dr Barry Davidson, the most difficult areas of marital adjustment are sexual adjustment, the handling of finances, unresolved conflicts during courtships, differences in religious values or beliefs, problems in getting along with in-laws and poor communication skills.
Sexual adjustment: The sexual appetite for both might be miles apart. One partner may want to engage in sexual intercourse seven days a week and twice on Sundays, while the other might be satisfied with one episode for the week. To avoid a potential conflict the “greedy” partner may have to curb his/her desire while the conservative partner would have to increase the frequency. So at the end of the negotiations they may end up with an average of three to four times per week.
Handling of finances: Some wives subscribe to the idiom that says, “what is thine is mine and what is mine is mine”, while some husbands say, “I am the man of the house so I will manage the finances”. It is advisable that the couple share a joint chequing account even though they may have separate savings accounts. Whoever is the better money manager, that person should manage the finances. Of course all financial transactions must be discussed and mutual agreement reached before any spending is done.
Unresolved conflicts during courtship: The mistake that some couples make is to believe that when they get married all the problems they had during the courtship period will suddenly fade away. If you note that your fiancé has a tendency to twist the truth, confront the issue during the early stages of the relationship and be satisfied that efforts are being made to address the problem. If on the other hand you recognise that your fiancée tends to be suspicious and quarrelsome don’t ignore these tendencies, engage in discussions on the issue and be content with efforts to address same.
Difference in religious values or beliefs: The Bible warns about the perils of being “unequally yoked”. During courtship the couple must settle how they will deal with any doctrinal differences, if, for example, they attend different churches eg Sabbath vs Sunday worship. It could be even more challenging if one partner is a Christian and the other partner is an atheist.
Problems in getting along with in-laws: Failing to adequately deal with in-law issues at the onset can create tensions in the marriage. The rule of thumb is the Genesis 2:24 verse, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”. So the man must establish pride of place relative to his wife and his family members must respect her position. In the same way the wife must appreciate and respect her in-laws, particularly her mother-in-law.
Poor communication skills: The most destructive force in a marriage is a little lady called mis-communication. She is known to create havoc in relationships. Again, if you notice that you and your partner tend to be quarrelling a lot and there is a high frequency of verbal confrontation, make every effort to deal with this before getting married. If you both fail to address the communication shortcomings then be sure as night follows day that your marriage is going to fail.
