Hubby cheated… with an ugly girl

WHEN rumours swirled that actress Halle Berry’s ex Gabriel Aubry was dating socialite-turned-reality TV-actress Kim Kardashian, entertainment blogs lit up with commentary that Aubry had done a massive downgrade. Kardashian was cute in her own right, some argued, but from Halle, named as one of the world’s most beautiful to Kim, best known for a sex tape?

It was a similar reaction when American movie star Sandra Bullock’s ex Jesse James was found to have cheated with tattoo model Michelle McGee. The consensus was that sure, it’s hurtful when men cheat, but some women are even more hurt when the ‘competition’ is a woman considered to be a downgrade — less educated, less attractive and less intelligent.

“It feels degrading to the wife,” Clinical Psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell said. “It makes her feel worse that he has taken up with this woman. Not only does she feel worse, but she is measuring it to say ‘who is this man I married who stooped to something like this?'”

In explaining why men downgrade, Dr Bell said many men in mid-life crisis begin to feel less of a man and sometimes want to find out if they are still as good as they once were, and so they try to see how many women they can still get.

“Psychologically when they feel this way they cheat to feel better about themselves,” she explained. “These other women will glorify them. They (downgrades) will lack knowledge so they seek advice from them. This makes the men feel good about themselves and this massages their egos.”

Dr Bell explained that at this point the 80/20 rule will apply wherein the man feels he is only getting 80 per cent at home and that he is missing out on something with his spouse (20 per cent), especially if the relationship has grown complacent over the years.

One young woman who proudly proclaimed that she was the ‘other woman’, declared, “maybe ’cause we can spice things up in the bed, give them something they aren’t getting at home. If she (wife) was taking care of him then ugly women like me wouldn’t have a chance. But some hot women behave like they’re too prim and proper and can’t get freaky.”

Dr Michele Lewin, clinical psychologist at the Oxford Medical Centre on Old Hope Road in St Andrew, said men often choose beneath their partners because of their immediate needs and their refusal to delay their gratification.

“I think that we all have needs,” Dr Lewin said. “It is not necessarily that they (men) don’t love their wives. But sometimes they have some needs that they think their wife cannot fulfil — and I say think.”

Dr Lewin said despite the fact that the other woman is considered a downgrade from the wife or steady partner, she may be in a position to listen and stroke his ego more since the wife may be too busy in the short-term dealing with her career and caring for the children. The other woman could be unemployed and in a better position to give him all the time and attention he craves.

“And so you find that the wife may not be able to do that at the time. So it is an unfair situation to her (wife),” she explained. “He has basic needs and he is not prepared to delay that gratification.”

Dr Lewin explained that while the wife may not be in a position to satisfy his basic needs, the other woman may be able to, despite how she looks or her lack of achievements.

She too agreed that the spouse would be devastated by the cheating instead of feeling some level of comfort knowing the other woman is no comparison to her.

While declaring that they would not go down this path, but would instead cheat with someone in their own class or above that of their wives, two men interviewed in Cross Roads, Tony Brown and Peter Gordon, said men who downgrade are worthless or just looking for a cheap fling.

“It would have to be someone who is better than my woman [that I would cheat with],” Brown said. “I would have to take up another woman who can help out financially. Men who cheat with women who are downgrades from their wives are worthless, cruff — that don’t make sense!”

Said Gordon, who has been in a common-law relationship for 14 years: “Maybe he is looking for less expense, and that woman would be cheaper to maintain. A woman in his wife’s class is more expensive to maintain. And sometimes the wife may not want to go out but the sweetheart may be the type who loves to go out to certain places.”

But Pauline Brown, a businesswoman who admits that she has a lot of male friends who confide in her, said when it comes to downgrading, it is all about the comfort that men gain.

“It’s not a matter of looks, creed or money,” she said. “It’s about comfort. Sometimes some women at home nag and are insecure. So the problems he’s getting from home he’s not getting it from outside, because the outside woman already knows that he had his wife. He is not doing it for money or creed so it must be for the comfort!”

She added: “Sometimes a man goes outside the relationship and finds an ugly duckling and the comfort that he gets from her, he would swim to the bottom of the sea to reach that ugly duckling. Sometimes he wants the x-rated and the outside girl will do it. Because need on her part will make a woman do anything! So it’s not about looks or creed — it must be for the comfort.”