Hubby cheated and got his lover pregnant twice

Dear Counsellor

My husband whom I’ve been with for the last 20 years (married for 15), seems to have a tendency to cheat. Over the years he has done very well at hiding his misdeeds, but within the last year, all hell broke loose. He got a young lady pregnant and she had her friends contact my 13-year-old daughter and I to make us aware of the issue. To make matters worse, the young lady gave birth to her babies (we are told one died and one survived) in January of this year and she tells us she is once again pregnant by him and is expecting the baby this month.

I plan to leave my husband, but feel compelled to get him some help before I do so, as it is very apparent that there is a serious esteem issue he’s dealing with. He indicates that he has absolutely no intention of being with this woman and that on all the occasions he’s gone to her it was just for sex and that she told him she was using contraception. Of course I do not believe this! It’s the result of very loose and destructive behaviour.

I also believe the large gap between us in terms of educational and professional achievement — I am a senior manager in a large company and educated to the postgraduate level — has contributed to his feeling of inadequacy. He seeks affairs with women who are far less accomplished than himself and therefore hold him in very high regard.

What would you suggest?

It is interesting that you wish to seek help for your spouse who is evidently caught up in a rather complex extra marital affair.

Extra marital affairs come about as a result of one partner seeking to find something that he/she believes (real or imagined) is not present in the current relationship; or one partner seeking to satisfy a curiosity; or one partner seeking to satisfy the intrigue and excitement of doing the forbidden. Usually what was meant to be a short stint ends up being a long-term liaison that will eventually negatively impact the current relationship.

Both men and women who are involved in these extramarital relationships will tell you that in the initial stages the association was strictly on a sexual level and that the feeling of love and affection was never on the cards. The truth is, sex has an uncanny way of connecting people emotionally. And so what was supposed to be a fling becomes a full toss.

In the case of your husband, he was neither good nor careful for he has now complicated the issue by impregnating the other woman not only once, but twice. No doubt the other woman planned for this child (or children) as she is reportedly carrying his second child. It could be that she is convinced that having a child for a man would ensure she keeps him, or in your case, snatches him away from you. I’d advise her is that there is no guarantee he will stick around.

What are the options some women in your position take?

1. Stay with the partner for the sake of the child.

2. Adhere to the marital vows and forgive the indiscretions of the partner, working with him to restore integrity and trust in the relationship.

3. Terminate the marital relationship and move on. Before you make a decision, use the opportunity to do some self-evaluation. Ask yourself the following questions:

a) Was I as attentive and available to him most times?

b) Did I observe yet ignore obvious signs (red flags) of cheating in the relationship?

c) In the five year period before the marriage, did he exhibit any tendency to be unfaithful?

d) Did I ever confront him about my concerns and was he repentant/unrepentant/in denial?

e) Am I ready psychologically and emotionally to move on?

f) Is the marital relationship irreconcilable? This exercise is in no way imputing blame on you, as your husband must take full responsibility for his actions. What is important is that an honest analysis of the situation should inform your final decision.

It is not unusual for men to cheat with women who are at a lower socio-economic level than they are. For her it’s an accomplishment to “deh” with the boss/supervisor/manager/the big man. For the man he feels his advances are less likely to be rejected by her than by his peers. It also provides him with a position of power that he may not assume in his present relationship.

Send questions to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com. The counsellor does not offer legal or medical advice.