An office romance gone bad

Dear Counsellor,

My best friend and her ex boyfriend were together for two and a half years. They both work at the same place. Within a year and a half into the relationship he started to act differently.

Sometime ago she developed some trust issues with him and she decided to go through his phone where she found out that he was having an affair with another woman. My friend confronted him about it and they decided to continue the relationship. But the problems continued and he told her he wanted a break. Three months after that he decided that he didn’t want to continue the relationship with her.

She then realised that he had been getting close with another woman at work. The woman called my friend and told her how much she likes her ex. Counsellor, my friend is really hurting and I need your advice so I can tell her what’s best to do. She hardly speaks to him at work but lately he has been messaging her and telling her that they need to talk.

Office romance, though it has its upsides, seems to have more downsides as is the case with your friend. It usually starts as a friendly exchange between co-workers and evolves into a romantic relationship over a period of time. In most instances one or both partners may be attracted to each other on a physical level. They take it to the next level where sex is involved and try as one or both partners may wish to engage in a no strings attached relationship, the emotional attachment is too great to pull back.

It would appear that the man was not ready for a committed relationship. He probably wanted a “friends with benefits” arrangement but never communicated same to your friend for fear she wouldn’t accept his proposal. His modus operandi suggests he is on a mission to score as often as the women in the workplace allow.

Not only was your friend having a commitment issue with her boyfriend, but there was also a trust deficit. The detective work that she carried out revealed his covert activities. These were obvious red flags she overlooked.

When a guy begins to lose interest in a girl and the relationship, he will in fact send a subtle but strong message that he wants out. Enticing him to stick around by offering him more sex may work for a while but emotionally he has left and it is just a matter of time before he physically walks away. So even though she forgave him and tried to work with his shortcomings, it was obvious that he emotionally disconnected but she had hoped he would have changed with time.

She needs to learn when to let go and move on. Prolonging the inevitable will only make the emotional pain more intense.

One of the downsides to an office romance is the fact that after the break-up you see the person every day at work — worse if the person sits across from you in the office. This certainly tests one’s emotional fortitude and can affect the quality of output if not appropriately managed.

Your girlfriend needs to accept the fact that the relationship has ended and release this man. She also needs to be wary of his efforts at playing mind games with her. He is quite aware that she still loves him and may want to use that fact to his advantage. The, “we need to talk” line is not surprising as he really wants to ensure that she is available to him if and when the need arises.

Regarding the new girlfriend, or should I say the new victim, she is well aware that the same predicament might just reach her, hence her initiating discussions with your girlfriend. She, too, may just ignore the blaring red lights and end up in an emotional crash.

As your girlfriend goes through this painful period in her life, she needs to take charge of the situation and learn from this experience. She needs to regain her self-esteem and not allow this guy to play with her heart. She must be resolute in her stance and not let him wiggle his way back into her life. She must remain professional and not allow the break up to affect her delivery of service. If in the execution of her duties she has to relate to him she must do so with civility.

It will be extremely difficult but with time the emotional wounds will heal. Please advise her not to get involved in a rebound relationship as this will not ease the pain, but will in fact compound it.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor.

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