My wife reconnected with her ex on Facebook
Dear Counsellor,
My marriage is in trouble. My wife says I don’t listen, compliment her, or tell her how much she means to me. I accept that, and I am working on it. My problem is that she has recently reconnected with an ex-boyfriend on Facebook. She reminisces about how they had a good thing going until he cheated on her and that they would have been married if he was not unfaithful to her. She says he is having problems with his wife and that he wants someone to talk to. I recently saw a message where he told her he misses the hugs and kisses they shared. When I tell her that the guy just wants to get back in her life or in her bed, she says I am being paranoid. She says she is no longer in love with him and that they are just friends. Counsellor, am I being unnecessarily suspicious?
I guess you are responding to the Jamaican proverb “Old fire stick easy to catch” and by the look of things, that could well be the case. If in fact you fail to provide the emotional stroking that every woman needs, then it is not surprising that you find yourself in this predicament.
In the same way men like to have their egos stroked, women survive on emotional support, and if it is missing in their current relationship and the occasion presents itself where they can get same elsewhere, they might just stray.
Your wife is certainly reliving those fond memories with her ex, and reconnecting with him via social media can certainly reignite the fire stick. If he used to shower her with compliments and praises that you neglect to offer, then those Facebook liaisons may continue for a long time to come if you don’t make an effort to alter your approach to emotionally connecting with your wife.
Listening is a skill that is critical in relationships at all levels, but moreso in intimate relationships. And listening means giving your wife undivided attention, paying attention to her non-verbal cues as well as her verbal expressions. Try not to manipulate the conversation nor impose your personal opinions, as this will shut down the dialogue.
Don’t be stingy with the compliments for your wife. If she makes extra effort to prepare a special meal or dresses elegantly for a function, go ahead and freely extend the compliments. You don’t even have to wait for a special occasion to “big her up”. She needs to be reassured that you appreciate her efforts and that she is special.
You seem to have taken her for granted and have suspended all the niceties that you displayed when you were dating and courting her. If you continue on the present track, making no changes, you run the risk of Mr Ex re-figuring in her life.
Your wife needs to wise up and not be naive. The fact is, her former boyfriend is in a vulnerable state as he struggles with his marital issues. She has to be careful that in her bid to provide emotional support, he does not get emotionally dependent and she does not get emotionally attached. Who knows? One day he might just want to relive the hugs and kisses which might be missing in his marriage. So a word of warning is for her to be careful she is not drawn into her ex’s appeal for sympathy.
In order to have your wife refocus on you and the relationship and not be distracted by her ex, you need to do some work. You need to arrest her attention and since you are aware of what she is asking, which by the way is not an unreasonable request, you need to get busy and make the change, starting now.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com
