His baby mother keeps calling too
Dear Counsellor,
I’m from Trinidad and Tobago and I stumbled upon your column in All Woman and read the article, His baby mother keeps calling. It resembles a situation I’m in currently.
In 2011, I started a relationship with a Jamaican guy. While in the relationship I wasn’t aware that he had made a girl pregnant. After I found out about her, she started calling and harassing me and I ended the relationship and severed contact with the guy.
On one of his many visits to Trinidad, we ran into each other again and talked out the situation. He explained that he was “just friends” with the girl and he hadn’t known about the pregnancy. He said he messed up.
We struck up a platonic relationship but now his baby mother has started calling and threatening me again.
I live in Trinidad and she lives in Jamaica. Her child’s father lives in Jamaica but visits Trinidad regularly because he has family here.
Your article has brought back so many memories of the issues I faced with him. I have been told many stories about Jamaican men and baby mama issues, but I chose not to stereotype because we face similar issues here in Trinidad.
Thank you for reading the column and sharing your experience. What some men don’t seem to realise is that with the advancement of communication technology, nothing is secret anymore. So even though your ex impregnated a woman in his home country which is over 1000 miles away from where you live, you were able to find out about his goings-on, albeit via his baby’s mother.
Some women learn of the extracurricular activities of their partners via social media. Stories have been told of women who get the shock of their lives when they see pictures of their significant others posted on Facebook with other women.
The battle of the baby mother and the girlfriend has been and will be with us for a long time. Both parties believe that they have legitimate grounds to fight for territorial control and sometimes pursue their mission with great vigour and aggression. As in your case the baby mother was able to seek you out all the way in Trinidad to let you know in no uncertain way that you must leave her man alone. She no doubt believes she has the right to harass you, as you, in her mind, are responsible for her man straying. She would be seeking to establish the ideal family unit and your presence would threaten the formation of the stable family unit she desires.
In some of these cases though, the girlfriend becomes the target because the baby’s mother can’t get through to the father. In many of these instances, too, it is the baby’s mother who is desirous of having a child and not the baby’s father.
Unlike you, some girlfriends or wives who are on the receiving end of verbal assault from the other woman would not retreat but put up a fight, especially if they believe they have invested a great deal in the relationship. There is even greater motivation if the man declares his disinterest in the other woman. Others do exactly what you have done and that is to back off and/or dismiss the men. This action nevertheless should be well thought out as mistakes do happen and the truth is some men do fall prey to scheming women.
If after you have done your due diligence and you are satisfied that your life would be much happier without this man in your life and you would live stress-free and void of verbal harassment, then you must do what is in your best interest.
Stereotyping, as you said, can be misleading and judgemental and should not form the basis for decision making. From your experience you have been able to state categorically that men from both territories behave similarly in terms of their roaming ways, and with the baby mother drama.
I do hope that women reading your story will learn from your experience and try and do background checks on men, especially if they are from other countries. Use the technology that is readily available to assist in this process and don’t be bashful to ask him pertinent questions.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com
