Pregnant for a married man

Dear Counsellor,

I am currently pregnant for a married man. When I met this guy two years ago he did not hide the fact that he was married, but said the marriage was one of convenience, to get papers to migrate to the US. He claimed his wife wanted more from the relationship and kicked him out of her house when she found out he got someone pregnant in Jamaica during the marriage.

I believed him and we started building a relationship when I also migrated. We eventually moved in together. I started to fall in love. He made me talk to his family back home, so I was not suspicious. I was aware that he was still communicating with his wife for the sake of facilitating his papers.

Some time after we started living together, he left his phone in my car. The phone rang and I answered it. It was the wife and she started telling me that they had been together since she was a teenager and they got married and she filed for him after he moved to the United States with her. She found out that he had got three women pregnant while in Jamaica, and kicked him out.

I was shocked. I always told myself I would never be the one to help break up a home, after seeing what my mom went through with my father. When I confronted him he said he was going to divorce her and that we would get married one day. Of course I believed him.

Some months later he told me he got someone in the States pregnant and said she was just a fling. I later found out she was someone he had met before, and had tried to break up with when she got pregnant.

I was devastated but after all that I still forgave him. My life has been hell ever since, as she tries everything in her power to keep him away from me. It has become worse since I became pregnant, which was very stupid on my part, I admit. Now I see myself as another statistic. I am really depressed. I cry every night and I regret my actions and decisions. Not only do I have to be thinking about having a child for a married man, but I also have to be constantly dealing with another woman who will do anything in her power to keep him away from me.

I know deep down that I should leave him and move on, but having a child makes it 100 times harder. I need your advice.

Your experience should serve as a word of caution to women that when it comes to relationships, don’t allow emotions to upstage rational thinking. Unfortunately your story is not unusual as there are many women who in their desire to find someone to love and care for them, get caught up in this most unfortunate lover’s dilemma.

The conception and birth of a child is a serious responsibility which should not be entered into frivolously. It is impossible for men to effectively play the “good” daddy role when they have to spread themselves thin to give quality time to each child. A child needs more than financial support, and a “touch and go” approach will not promote the bonding relationship necessary for the child’s psychological and emotional growth and development.

To women, great care must be taken when it comes to partner selection, and even greater care when you are considering bringing a child into the world. The truth is, many pregnancies were not planned and so conception was not the primary motivation at the time. But if you can’t be good enough to engage in planned parenthood with your partner, then you should be careful to do what is necessary to prevent pregnancy.

This man has taken advantage of your loving, forgiving spirit and has been dishonest in his dealings with you from day one. The relationship had no sound foundation that is built to last. And so every time he committed an indiscretion he knew that he would get away with it as he was fully aware of your trusting nature.

So do you buy the argument that he will marry you as soon as the divorce papers are completed? If you do and you decide to marry him, be prepared to discover more women and baby mothers in the closet. This man is obviously from the school that promotes the “be fruitful and multiply the earth” mentality.

So the feeling is that you have gone in too deep to back out now, and that is quite understandable. After all, you have developed affection for him and you are carrying his child. The baby mother drama will wear you down so you have to avoid that fight. You have to remain healthy in order to ensure a safe delivery. Focus on that for now. After the birth, and as time progresses and there is no improvement in the relationship, then you have to make some critical decisions in your best interest and that of the child.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.