Scared to love again

Dear Counsellor,

I am 25 and I have been in a relationship for nine years. I went to college, did my associate degree, finished studying and got pregnant. I decided to move in with my baby’s father and everything was good until the road started to get rocky. One night he went out saying he was going to a party with some friends and I said OK out of fairness. He went out at 10:00pm and came in at 5:00 the next morning. I was so upset that I didn’t speak to him. I eventually forgave him and moved on.

Things started to get really bad. I couldn’t take any more of the constant phone calls at all hours of the night. I asked him if he wanted his family or another woman but he didn’t answer. I started to write about how I felt about the relationship and he eventually saw my writings and got upset. To be honest I wrote some real bad stuff because I was just frustrated. I decided to move out. He asked me if that was what I wanted and I said yes, so I moved on. He supports his child a 100 per cent. I started another relationship but I was still in love with my child’s father. We got back together but I didn’t move in with him. I feel like I can’t love anybody else, but this guy keeps hurting me. Please give me some advice. It’s like I am scared to love again.

Sometimes we do everything in our power to achieve the “happy ever after” experience in our lives, but somehow things don’t work according to plan and it makes us quite unhappy.

So you have successfully completed your studies, had your child and no doubt were looking forward to a long and lasting love with your partner and family. Unfortunately your partner was not on the same page as you and your dream was not realised.

Sadly this is the outcome of many relationships as both partners have contrasting plans for their lives, resulting in conflicts and disagreements. In your case it appears that Mr Mention was not the settling-down type and wanted to still maintain his single life status while in the relationship. The late night departure and early morning arrival from partying with friends and the night calls are indicative of a single man who is not accountable to anyone but himself.

Dealing with a potential conflict by avoidance is not a recommended course of action. Certainly having an argument at 5:00 am when he got in would not be smart as he would have been in a defensive mode. Equally counterproductive was not speaking with him, and smoothing it off with an act of forgiveness. It would have been better to choose the right time and place to raise the issue.

Resorting to expressing your feelings on paper is useful, particularly if there are barriers to communication with your partner. What would have been more helpful is if you had addressed some of these thoughts to him directly in writing, utilising the “I” statements. For example, ‘Paul, I am worried and hurt when you stay out so late at nights and make no attempts to communicate with me’, as opposed to the “You” statements — ‘You are so insensitive and heartless, how could you be so wicked?’ The latter is more confrontational and will only make matters worse.

You decided to terminate the relationship but returned; but has he changed his ways? What is different in the way he treats you now, compared to then? From your own admission, it appears that you are back at square one. Is it that you have decided to normalise his behaviour and accept him with his uncaring ways?

One can understand the love you have for a man you have been dating since you were a teen and moreso, one who is the father of your child. But you have to decide what you are prepared to live with and what you are prepared to reject. If you are hurting, as you say you are, and your gentleman is not attentive to your feelings, then it is a foregone conclusion that things will remain as is.

The fact that he is a good father is commendable, but that does not translate to him being the right partner for you. You deserve a happy life, so bear that in mind as you contemplate your final decision.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.