I want to leave him

Dear Counsellor,

I think I’m at my wits’ end about my current relationship. I have been living with my boyfriend for the past four years. While we have our ups and downs like normal couples, I am extremely unhappy and can’t seem to pinpoint why. We generally have a great relationship with no fuss or quarrels about anything massive.

He is not working, so all the bills are left up to me. While I don’t mind paying the bills, it gets to me at times, unbeknownst to him. He has children from previous relationships (we have no children together) and I also assist with lunch money and transportation for them.

However, I don’t feel he appreciates what I am doing for him and his children. He never asks how I manage with the bills monthly and I don’t think he even has my best interests at heart.

Recently, I have been thinking of moving out but I am scared to go out there on my own. I have never lived alone and quite frankly I worry that I may not survive. I know I may sound like a fool to some persons, because even my friends say they wouldn’t or couldn’t do half the things that I do for him. Also, I am not even sure I love him that much. I think I have grown too contented with the situation and that I fear may be my downfall. I need some serious psychological help and I hope that you can help.

One of the most painful experiences that take a toll on us emotionally is not being appreciated for the good we do. This is even more devastating in relationships where it is expected that the partners give unreservedly of their time, effort and resources to the relationship and they are equally reciprocated. Where one partner is giving much more than is received or appreciated, there is strong likelihood that the giver will become overwhelmed and either withdraw or retaliate. This would be followed by a breakdown in communication and increase in interpersonal conflict.

What happens sometimes in long-term relationships is that one or both partners take each other for granted. The novelty of the first year wears off and the love flame is extinguished. Either one or both partners then look outside of the relationship to fulfil the emotional need for affection and attention.

Being unemployed can affect your partner’s emotional response to the good you have been doing. Especially with men, ego and pride get in the way of expressing appreciation and so the female partner is left in a state of distress as she navigates this one- directional relationship.

You have indicated that you have not raised the issues with your partner and he may not be perceptive enough to realise that you are hurting. So he may be of the impression that you are fine. The longer you bottle the pain and hurt, the more intense the problems will become, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and depression.

 “I have never lived alone and quite frankly I worry that I may not survive. I think I have grown too contented with the situation.” This statement clearly explains why you are hesitant to deal with the situation you find yourself in. Fear of a negative outcome paralyses many women in dysfunctional relationships. The challenge of terminating and starting a new relationship frightens them and so they choose to stick to the evil they know; most times to their detriment.

When you surrender to this untenable situation and render yourself powerless, you have made a decision to accept any and everything meted out to you by your partner. And the truth is, you have nobody to blame but yourself.

It is about time you talk with your partner about your concerns and if you are timid about confronting him directly, write him a letter. If you fail to get his attention, then you may need to consider seeing a counsellor as soon as possible.

Your doubts about your love for this man are a natural response to the unreciprocated love and appreciation you get from him and will only get worse if not addressed.

You seem to be quite aware of your downfall, as you call it, but need to muster the inner strength and courage to deal with the challenges of the relationship. You need to move out of the “can’t be bothered” mode and take charge of your life.

Don’t deny yourself the opportunity of experiencing a fulfilled and happy life; you deserve nothing less.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.