Cheating regrets

Dear Counsellor,

I have been in a committed, long-distance relationship for two and a half years. I then met this man from my office. He is a good talker, smart, intelligent, and I liked talking to him. He showed a special interest in me and we started talking a lot. Even though he knew that I was in a committed relationship, he said he had feelings for me. All this happened in the span of 15 days.

He then wanted to stop talking to me and wanted to maintain his distance but I asked him not to as I had really found a good friend in him and I tried to counsel him as he was undergoing some serious stress.

I should have set a limit and if I had, I wouldn’t be facing the situation that I am facing right now. The guy started holding my hand, kissing me on my cheeks, and I got attached to him. I tried asking him to maintain a physical distance but he didn’t. All this time I didn’t pay much attention to my boyfriend. I was blinded by this new guy’s pain; I felt so sad for him that I let him do stuff with me to make him happy.

Afterwards I felt confused, horrible and disgusting. I love my boyfriend unconditionally and maybe I got weak for a time, but I can’t think about my future without him. I am just so scared that one day my boyfriend will know what I did and he will leave me. I tell him everything I’ve done, but I couldn’t tell him that I had sex with this guy.

I now honestly feel this guy manipulated me by using his sad stories. Now he’s trying to get back with me, using different tricks, emotional blackmail, anger, and sad stories just to make me talk to him. I don’t want him to be a part of my life. I feel horrible about what happened and can’t stop thinking about what I did. Please help.

Quite a number of female readers will be able to identify with your experience as they too try to navigate the affairs of the heart. There is no user manual that one can read before one proceeds. For most people, it is a trial and error experience. Sometimes it is as if you are in a trance with little control over your actions, but soon you wake up and get a reality check.

The problem is that some people remain in the “out of this world” state for far too long and lose all sense of reality, and by the time they wake up, the damage is already done.

So your caring personality endeared this “sad” guy to you. He saw in you someone with whom he could share his feelings and who would be sympathetic to his emotional pain and hurt. It would appear that he also had ulterior motives and took advantage of your generosity. Sometimes in life we come across people who we think are genuine and we reach out to them, only to be taken for a ride, which we later regret.

What has happened is not entirely his fault, as you realise. Although he exploited your vulnerability, knowing that you were in a long-distance relationship and would have certain emotional and physical needs, the absence of boundaries made it easy for him to make his move. So as much as you were helping him, he would say he was helping you as well.

When there is a conflict between the head and the heart, most people act like you, and that is to find a reason to justify the action/behaviour.

It was just a matter of time before the relationship jumped to the next level. Even if this was not your intention, it was certainly his.

So now that you have yielded to the guy’s “tricks”, as you call them, and allowed your emotions to overrule your head, you are in a state of confusion.

What is done cannot be undone. You now have to reach the place where you can process what went on and work out how to prevent a recurrence with this guy or someone else. No matter how much you declare your love for your boyfriend, the fact that he is away and not physically present to provide the emotional support you need, chances are, you may give in to a similar approach from someone else.

So what are the takeaway lessons to be learned from this experience? You are aware of your susceptibility to people, particularly men who offer “sad stories”, so be mindful and cautious before you extend a listening ear. There are people out there who will tug at your heartstrings if they know you have a “soft heart”, so you have to know to whom you should give your full attention. Secondly, listen to the still, small voice that says, “Slow down, you’re moving too fast.” Many times we hear the voice and ignore it to our own peril.

The truth is, Mr Mention will continue to pursue you, and now that he knows that sympathy from you is no longer forthcoming, he will resort to underhand means to get your attention. You have to write this off to experience and remain resolute as far as he is concerned. Continue to work on your relationship and encourage your boyfriend to make more visits home as much as he can. If not, use the communication technology to your benefit and stay in touch with him on a daily basis. You can’t afford to be distracted again.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.