I’m ready to walk away
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I’ve been in a relationship with my child’s father for 10 years, and in those 10 years all he has ever done is abuse me mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. My child has seen the abuse, and so has other members of my family and his family as well.
I’m just working enough money to pay rent. He never calls or texts me while I’m at work, and when I ask why not, he says he doesn’t have to as he is coming home at night. I am ready to walk away from this relationship
He never takes me anywhere but goes out on his own. He has never taken care of me in any way. This man has beaten me, he cheats on me and has even given me a STI. I am still living in his house, but I am not intimate with him because I don’t love him anymore.
I just need to know where I go from here now that I’ve found the courage to leave this man.
A: Let me begin where you have ended. Sometimes it takes a long time to make a decision regarding a relationship. There are so many factors to consider, chief of which is the contemplation of the impact on the children. Other considerations include financial dependency, family pressure, social status, church affiliation and fear of starting all over. For some, the defensive argument is “better to stick to the evil I know”, and so they stay put in the abusive relationship.
So you have come to the realisation that you don’t deserve to endure such cruelty, disrespect and indignity and have mustered the courage to walk away from the relationship. You must be commended for making that bold move knowing full well that the consequences may be overwhelming. But when you consider that your life and well-being are threatened if you remain in the dysfunctional relationship, the resulting factors are inconsequential in comparison.
Get in touch with a trusted friend or family member and arrange relocation to a safe space. There are agencies that work with domestic violence survivors and even provide short-term living arrangements. Woman Inc in Jamaica is one such agency. Be reminded that domestic violence is a crime, and so you should not rule out the option of making a report to the police.
It is quite obvious that your partner has no regard for your well- being, and is not mindful of your emotional and psychological needs. Refusal to check in with you on occasions in the day is an indication that he either does not know better, or he just does not care. The transmission of an STI is certainly horrifying and demonstrates the scant regard this man has for you and your health.
When you have made the decision, be prepared to get criticism from his family members and friends who would want you to return to the unhealthy situation. Some will even want to guarantee your safety. Mr Mention himself may want to track you down and promise that if you return things will be better. The truth is, without therapeutic help, there won’t be any sustained change.
Adjustments would have to be made to your lifestyle as you are now fully responsible for your economic survival. A decision in the best interest of the child is also critical. As much as the child needs adequate supply of food, clothing and shelter, a loving and caring environment is just as important.
This is one life or death decision that you have to make and being indecisive cannot be an option. You have to remain resolute despite the odds. With time you will replace the material things you may lose; the same can’t be said about your life.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
