Starting over after divorce or separation

FOR most people who have been through a divorce or failed long-term relationship, starting over can seem like a daunting task, one that many fear. Just getting out the starting blocks to reinvent yourself and try again can come with genuine fear — fear of failing…again, or fear of the unknown, and for some people, there is often a fear of flying solo again.

But how does one get past the fears and just do it? For some persons, who do not seek professional help or spiritual healing, that fear never leaves them and they spend the rest of their lives with emotional scars that rob them of happiness.

If you are really serious about starting over and walking through the new doors that are already opened for you, there are several things you must accept and be willing to do in order to move on.

1. Accept that things didn’t work out with that other person and acknowledge your role in the failures

It takes two to tango, so despite what your partner may have done and the extent of damage their behaviour caused, you still need to look within. Doing your own self-examination will help you to adopt a more successful approach to your next relationship.

2. Take the lessons learnt and apply them to help you move forward

There is always some useful lesson to take away from a failed relationship. I often say there are no mistakes, just opportunities for us to learn to be smarter and wiser in our approach to life. If the man was ‘Mr Perfect’ when you met him, what changed or what were the red flags that you missed during the courtship? Sometimes the issues we perceive to be little things and overlook them during the courtship are actually the ones most likely to cause major problems later in the relationship.

3. Work on yourself

Some of us overlook the need for professional help after a failed marriage or relationship. Men are notorious for avoiding counselling, but ladies, counsellors serve their purpose. Whether you seek that support through the church or a professional counsellor, it does help to get counselling, as a failed relationship can seriously affect your self-esteem. There are many bitter, hurting and emotionally traumatised women out there who need professional help and spiritual healing. Some have vowed never to re-marry, some have sworn off men, and some are looking for men to punish. Seek counselling after that broken marriage. Don’t rob yourself of the ability to experience the healthy relationship you deserve.

3. Allow healing to take place before you try again

If you are angry and feeling like a failure, do not even think about embarking on another relationship. Allow healing to take place first. There are several stages that we go through after a broken relationship, including denial and anger. I recall walking around for months with the ‘don’t even think about it’ look on my face as a warning to men who had any inkling that they could approach me. It doesn’t help you. You must also guard your heart. A divorced, separated or hurting woman is very vulnerable and a prime target for men seeking something other than a meaningful relationship. If you are not careful, you will find yourself attracting all the wrong types of men during this period of vulnerability. That is why a good support system is necessary for any woman going through separation or divorce.

4. Adjust your mind to your new situation

One of the most challenging things for any woman going through separation or divorce is learning to adjust to the new financial realities. As my mother would say, “Bend your mind to your condition.” In some situations, your partner may even seek to ‘punish’ you for leaving that marriage by tightening up the purse strings, and the children too will experience some harsh realities when you are no longer able to buy everything they pick up in the supermarket. Whilst you seek maintenance for your children, which is your right, re-adjust your mind, accept that your spending power has been reduced and seek out opportunities for additional income. Also, use the opportunity to be a better financial manager and seek professional advice on investment options. Adopt an attitude of ‘needs versus wants’ towards your spending. The longer you take to accept that things aren’t the way they used to be financially and work with what you have, the longer you will remain miserable and angry.

5. Rediscover the new you

Starting over after a divorce or broken relationship requires you to rebrand yourself. Shed the old skin and come out with a new attitude and confidence that radiates. Some of us were married for a long time and completely forgot how to do things without a partner. Our dependence makes it difficult for us to readjust when we find ourselves forced to fly solo again. The good thing is that these situations can allow us to discover talents and strengths we didn’t know we had! Welcome the change and see it as an opportunity to discover the new you. You can start over, you can successfully fly solo until that special person comes along. A divorce or broken relationship can throw you out to sea, but it’s up to you to either sink or swim. What’s your choice?

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Catch up with her articles on her blog Diary of a PR Girl at diaryofajamaicanprgirl.blogspot.com/. Email marieberbick@gmail.com.