Life lessons for women contemplating divorce

SO you’re now officially over…the marriage many people including yourself thought was made in Heaven. Now you are dealing with the estranged  spouse from hell who is determined to make you feel the heat. It is often said that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but truthfully, it goes both ways! Unless your partner is a reasonable person, separation or divorce can expose you to some deeply unpleasant moments. It is perhaps very true that if you really want to know the person you marry, try divorcing them!

I want to share with you some life lessons that you can apply in dealing with divorce or separation.

1.    Don’t move out of your matrimonial home. Ladies, don’t move out of your matrimonial home, especially if you have children. Unless your life is being threatened and you feel unsafe, stay in your home. If your spouse is abusive, get a protection and an occupation order and stay in your home with your children. Report  incidences of abuse to the police and ensure you receive a receipt at the police station. If you have had to seek medical attention, request a report from the doctor and also keep your medical expense receipts. These receipts will assist you in applying for a protection order if necessary.

2.    Research well before choosing a lawyer. A good lawyer can make a difference in how long your divorce or custody matters are before the court. It is imperative that you choose a lawyer who is experienced in family matters, and is interested in bringing closure to your matters as quickly as possible. Whilst it is good to have a lawyer who will put up a good fight in your interest, especially if your divorce is contentious, it is also very important that the lawyer is interested in getting closure as soon as possible, especially if children are involved.  

3.    Do not use your children as pawns. Divorce or separation can be very difficult for the adults involved, so think for a moment what it does to the children who are caught in the middle. Bitter spouses often use the children to get back at each other. Either the mother seeks to deprive the father of time with the children or it’s the other way around.

One of the most irresponsible acts that couples in bitter divorces are sometimes guilty of is manipulation of the children where either the mother sets up the children against the father or the father sets the children against the mother. What’s even worse is when one party falsely accuses the other of child abuse in an effort to gain custody. This can be a most demoralising experience for the party who is falsely accused and if you are not strong you might even consider throwing up your hands, packing your bags and getting on the plane! If you do have a legitimate case of child abuse against your spouse, that is different, but falsely accusing one’s spouse of child abuse during a custody battle is far more popular than we think according to the Office of the Children’s Registry.

If there is a genuine need for you to act to protect your children, do so. But if you are guilty of using your children as pawns in your divorce mess, you are doing serious damage to them.  Think about your pain, multiply it by double digits, and that’s the pain your children are experiencing. Stop it!

4.    Try mediation before you decide to fight in court. As long as your partner is amiable to mediation, go for it. Mediation is far less expensive than a long, bitter court battle over things you could easily sit at a table and discuss with a mediator and agree on. Mind you, there are bitter spouses who are so determined to get at the other party that they refuse to consider mediation. However, always recommend to your spouse the mediation route.

5.    Keep all matters in one court. Your divorce is filed in the Supreme Court. As best as possible try to have all matters (maintenance and custody if applicable) heard in the same court. Having custody and maintenance heard separately in the Family Court can delay your divorce especially if these matters are contentious. If your spouse is the spiteful type they can also purposefully use a battle for custody of the children to delay the divorce. Remember, if the Supreme Court is not satisfied regarding the custody and welfare of your children, your divorce will not be granted. One of the challenges with the Family Court is that your matters can come before  different judges each time you appear and this can delay a resolution in those matters as a judge who is new in the matter needs to ensure that due diligence is done. Consequently you can find your matter going around in circles for quite some time. I personally almost lost count of the judges who heard my matters in the Family Court.

6.    Be fair and don’t be blinded by vindictiveness. As much as you might feel that you despise your estranged husband, don’t allow your anger to blind you.  Ask for what you are entitled to, but don’t try to prevent the other person from getting what they, too, are entitled to.

Familiarise yourself with the pieces of legislation that are relevant in divorce cases, including the Property (Rights of Spouses) Act 2004.

Knowledge of these laws and their interpretations will help you to make realistic decisions about whether you really want to go through a long bitter divorce battle rather than sit at a table like mature adults, work out differences, split assets and peacefully go your separate ways.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration (SUPHER). Catch up with her on her blog Diary of a PR Girl at diaryofajamaicanprgirl.blogspot.com/. E-mail marieberbick@gmail.com