My ill-tempered boyfriend

Dear Counsellor,

I am very depressed about my situation. My boyfriend of two years acts strangely. If he has to wait for me or if I don’t answer him the way he wants, he gets angry. If he wants sex and I say no, he will say I don’t care or that I’m taking him for a fool. When he talks to me and gets angry, he uses foul language.  Can you tell me what is really happening with him? I care for this guy and he is not a bad person. I pray that he will be able to change. Can he change?

When two persons come together to form a relationship, they each bring to the union their “baggage” which may be burdensome for the other to live with. Sometimes there are unresolved psychological issues that present themselves as serious challenges that can eventually lead to break-up of the relationship if either partner is unprepared or unwilling to address the issues.

Invariably these are learned behaviours from the family of origin that would have been a part of his/her socialisation.

In your case it could be that your boyfriend is from a detail-oriented family that is very meticulous about any and everything. And so he carries that kind of “stickler for details” behaviour into his relationships, which obviously is annoying for you. For some people it is a compulsion that they find difficult to control. So as simple as something might appear to you, in his estimation, it is a big deal which requires his full and urgent attention.

The way to deal with persons with such tendencies is first of all not to discount their compulsive behaviour as trivial and unimportant. This will only incense them and create more tension in the relationship. The best approach would be to acknowledge their concern respectfully manner, advance your position on the matter. The idea is to strike a compromise where both partners’ points of view areregarded.

Now to the matter of demand for and offer of sex in a relationship. Sex plays a cementing role in a relationship and ought to be a free expression of love and affection. When it is demanded or offered on demand, it loses its true essence. It therefore should be a shared experience that both partners engage in with no undue pressure or coercion. If one partner is in the mood and the other is not, this should be an opportunity for a period of foreplay and lovemaking activities.

For women, the sex act does not begin and end with penetration; it starts some time before with effective communication and expressions of affection which strengthen the emotional bond. For a woman to offer her body without these necessary prerequisites in place, she would just be mechanically going through the motions. In some instances a number of women deny the request or object to the demand for sex. Interpersonal conflict follows which can escalate to emotional and physical abuse.

So what’s happening? Was his behaviour always this crude? You both are not effectively communicating. Instead of talking with each other you are both talking at each other. For effective communication to take place, there must be mutual respect where both partners value the opinions and feelings of the other. Care should be taken to avoid the use of verbal and non- verbal statements that are unkind and uncaring.

It is recommended that you both see a counsellor to learn communication techniques that would enhance and ultimately strengthen the relationship.Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.