He says he can’t help cheating
Dear Counsellor,
I am 20, with a 24-year-old boyfriend. I loved this guy from the first time I saw him, which was over five years ago. The relationship was fun at first but one night he lied to me about where he was going as afterwards I was on Facebook and saw that some random girl had tagged him in a photo. When I checked it, I saw that he and the girl were close. He said they met on Facebook and are just friends, but one night I checked his phone and found out through text messages and voice notes that they had sex.
He was my first, so imagine how hurt I was. I don’t really go out and ever since that, there has been one girl after another. He doesn’t really ask me to forgive him and when I find out he just tells me he can’t change and that he loves me but he can’t explain his behaviour.
He’s a great friend and he is always encouraging me and keeping me positive. I don’t cheat on him but my friends and siblings think I deserve better. He blames me when I find out he’s doing wrong.
What should I do?
Contrasting interests and values between partners can cause contention that may lead to the termination of the relationship. When there is wide disparity in interests and values there will clearly be interpersonal issues.
Your boyfriend being a social butterfly and you being a homebody would mean that he would be out of the house most times fraternising while you would be at home probably watching TV or sleeping. His opportunity for gallivanting with other women would be facilitated on these social rendezvous.
It must be noted at this juncture that as much as men and women need personal time on occasions to link up with close friends and associates, this must be done with respect for the partner and the necessary accountability measures put in place. The ‘me’ time must be done after calm discussions and mutual agreement. A critical point of the agreement is a reasonable home return time, and if for some reason the agreed time is missed, some communication should be made with the partner.
Research has shown that social media, Facebook in particular, has contributed to relationship breakdowns. Sometimes reconnection with old firesticks can cause more harm than good. Facebook is said to reignite dormant relationships, placing the current ones at risk.
So your boyfriend by his own admission indicated that he indeed had violated the trust you had in him. What is unfortunate is that he had no remorse and was even blaming you for his behaviour.
This argument that some men advance that it’s in their nature to be wild is just an excuse for their irresponsible behaviour. And sometimes as a result of this wanton disregard for their partners, some men even purposely or accidentally impregnate other women in the process. As much as the men must take the brunt of the blame, the other women who are involved are just as culpable.
Like many women you are attempting to play down your boyfriend’s behaviour and dismiss it as a mistake, except that he has not accepted his guilt. Underplaying the cheating activities of their partners is one way some women manage the situation. Rationalising is a defence mechanism people use to treat with unfavourable situations where they knowingly or unknowingly buy into the men’s claims of having no control over their physical urges.
If your boyfriend is unwilling to make the necessary adjustments regarding his liaisons with other women and is convinced that his behaviour is acceptable, then you must decide if you are prepared to accept him with his roaming ways, though you claim he’s a good friend. If you do, then a word of caution, do protect yourself and avoid bringing a child into this unsavoury scenario.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
