Hubby migrated, cavorting like a single man overseas

Dear Counsellor,

I have been married for five years. I’m a Christian but my husband isn’t anymore. There were times when he would be out of a job and all financial duties were mine. I felt pressured but I did it out of love. He applied to go on an overseas programme and I took out a loan so he could go. He begged me night and day to help him. I admit I’m weak when it comes to helping people, so I helped him and he went. After three months of being away he stopped wearing his ring. When I asked about it he got upset and said that’s all I care about. We had an argument. He gets paid fortnightly and he will send US$100 to $120 every other month if he feels like it. He told me he can’t take care of himself there and take care of me, but every week he posts pictures of himself at different parties and in new clothes. I saw recently that he has bought a car there. We communicate only via text messages because he said his phone plan cannot send out calls. I bought international minutes, downloaded Skype, Tango, MajicTalk, you name it, but each time I got a different excuse why my calls weren’t being answered. I have stopped calling. I only text if he texts me. He has been back once since he has been there which was a year ago. I can hardly make ends meet much less look about visa to go there. He promised he would help but that, too, fell through. Now all he does is party, drink and smoke and work. I would like to be separated because this is all so stressful. There is so much more I can relate but it’s hurtful and it makes me cry.

Married couples make life-changing decisions from time to time that hopefully will redound to the benefit of both partners; however, sometimes things don’t go according to plan as one partner either departs from the programme or for some external reason, the plan is not executed.

In your case it’s the former as your husband, having secured your confidence and financial support, decided when he achieved his personal goal to abandon the original agreed mission of supporting the family.

One can sympathise with your situation as not only are you burdened with the cost of taking care of utility bills, etc, but you also have to repay the loan you took in order for him to facilitate the trip.

Sad to say your case is not an isolated one, as there are numerous instances similar to yours where one partner deceives the other in pursuit of a personal overseas agenda. Sometimes they even establish other families.

The removal of the wedding ring is one such indication of his sinister plan. In order to maintain his newfound lifestyle he would have to cut back on the remittances. The car, parties and the bling now take priority and no doubt there is a strong likelihood that he may well be sharing the fun with someone else.

The unavailability to take the phone calls is yet another indicator of his self-centred scheme. Surely, as you have mentioned, there are numerous ways of linking with you via voice calls, but he obviously does not intend to communicate with you as he knows that his deeds are suspicious.

Maintaining a long-distance relationship with someone who is interested is difficult, but it is even more challenging when the other partner has little or no interest and the relationship is one-sided. You are obviously making efforts to salvage what is left of the relationship but you must do an evaluation to determine the way forward.

Travelling to meet with him in a face-to-face setting might be desirable but may not be practical given the need to procure a visa, airfare etc. One thing is certain, and that is some serious discussions have to be had between the both of you to ascertain the future of the marriage.

Counselling intervention has taken a new dimension with the advent of online counselling. Go on the Internet, research and contact one such agency.

On one of the rare text messages you get from your husband, indicate to him your concerns and let him know that you are arranging an online counselling session that he is required to participate in if he is serious about the survival of the marriage.

Alternatively, if and when he visits, arrange a face-to-face with a local counsellor.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.