I’m in love with an atheist

Dear Counsellor,

I am 22 years old and currently in a relationship for the past 14 months with a guy who is 33. He has a good job, is very ambitious and comes from a good family background. We share many good times together and it appears we make each other happy. I see myself with this man in the future. However, he does not believe in God or any supreme being, for that matter. He believes creation just happened from some sort of scientific happenings.

Another concern is that he does not want children. He said he just does not see himself with that kind of responsibility. I think he would make a good father as he is very caring. He did say that his feelings of wanting children may change and that it was not concrete, but for now he does not want children. Please advise me, as I am falling for this guy.

The gentleman must be commended for not taking a carefree approach to bringing children into the world with no structured plans for looking after them. Unfortunately, many of his peers are not as conscientious. He is correct, the rearing and provision of food, clothing and shelter for a child is a great responsibility that ought to be taken seriously, and if one or both partners in a relationship are not prepared to step up to this awesome responsibility, pregnancy should be postponed until then.

In your case, however, you are contemplating a long-term relationship and hopefully children with your boyfriend. This is not an unreasonable expectation, as most young women would want to produce a child resulting from a stable, committed relationship.

Your relationship is relatively young and so more time should be spent on solidifying things. Use the time to learn as much as you can about each other. Spend some quality time discovering each other’s strengths, weaknesses, talents, goals, disappointments, accomplishments etc. Meet and establish relationships with each other’s family members, relatives and friends. It is important to do all these things before a child comes into the picture.

Too often, soon after two people get together, a baby is produced and they did not spend enough time in the “getting to know you” period. It is during the pregnancy or after the child is born that you then see the “dark side” of the partner. In many instances one partner was not ready for the responsibility and so registers his/her displeasure with the turn of events in various ways including the termination of the relationship.

So at 33 the gentleman may want to focus exclusively on career goals and personal development at this time. He may feel that a child could cause some distraction and so he would want to defer parenthood until later. This is his right to so do. You will have to either respect his wishes or convince him otherwise. I would urge you not to do what some devious women have done and that is to “trap” him into getting you pregnant. This would be deceitful and would negatively impact the relationship. At 22 you do have time in your favour, so you may want to also focus on your educational and career development as well.

To the matter of his belief system, this is cause for concern and can drive a wedge in the relationship. It is challenging enough when a couple shares similar religious faiths but dissimilar denominational viewpoints, but when one partner embraces an atheistic position, it presents as potential for interpersonal conflicts.

Couples have survived the effects of such diverse viewpoints in their relationships by respecting the person’s right to his/her beliefs and by making concerted efforts to avoid confrontation. They have learned the art of peaceful co-existence and how to lovingly accommodate each other’s differences.

So unless you are prepared to accommodate your boyfriend’s anti-religious viewpoint, you might be wise to reconsider a long-term relationship. You must determine if this would be a deal breaker or not.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.