Parenting challenges
Dear Counsellor,
I have been married to my wife for 14 years and we have two children in secondary school. My teenage son is always getting himself into trouble at school. He is a follower and not a leader: he does whatever his peers tell him to do, and so gets into trouble. The other day we were at home and I was having a conversation with my son as fathers do, when my wife blurted out, “Don’t talk to him like that!” It was no different from how I have spoken to him before. The tone of my voice may have gone up a bit, but only because I do not want my son growing up like a mouse. Each time the school rings us, I am the one who goes down to see his principal. After her outburst I told her that next time she must deal with it, and leave me out. Call it selfish, but no father wants to feel as if he cannot do his job without the mother butting in. Back in the day if I was naughty at school and my parent had to come in and see my principal, it would not happen a second time. My wife has been living here in England now for 15 years but she definitely has changed her Jamaican roots. Please tell me, am I wrong?
Our parenting style is largely determined by our family of origin. Some of us were brought up in families where parental roles were clearly defined and there was no crossing of the lines. In this family the father would assume the disciplinarian role and the mother would take on the caregiver responsibilities. In other families the roles may have been switched, or no set role definition existed. Depending on how we rate the experiences we had as children, we will either seek to replicate or discard our parents’ style of parenting.
When two people get married they will bring to the relationship similarities and differences in values, interests and experiences, including parenting styles. What must happen is that both of you need to discuss the approach to take regarding the rearing of the children. And that discussion should take place out of the hearing of the children. Reprimanding each other in the presence of the children is not the way to go. You both must be on the same page and be singing from the same song book so that the children will not receive mixed or confused messages.
So now because of your wife’s untimely intervention you have decided to take a back seat. Your withdrawal, though understandable, is not in the best interest of the child and could lead to the same “mouse” behaviour you are trying to prevent in your son. Your response to your wife could be interpreted as such and as you know, children live what they learn. Your son is not only doing what you say, but what you do as well.
Your son at is at the period of his life where social relationships are critical and so the acceptance and approval of his friends is what he would wish to attain. Sometimes in this endeavour the behaviour can get out of hand, much to the distress of the parents. Your hardline approach to dealing with your son may have worked when you were a child, but with today’s generation, a non-combative approach will be more effective. Instead of having an argument with your son, try and engage him in a two-way conversation where you talk with him rather than at him.
In modern families the gender role lines are disappearing and so what were traditionally male or female roles are now being switched or shared. So this talk about who wears the trousers in the home is now becoming obsolete as both parents share equal responsibilities in the home and in the rearing of the children.
Should the gender role confusion and difference in parenting styles continue to be an issue in the marital relationship, I strongly recommend that you both see a counsellor or attend a parenting seminar.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
