When you’re hurting…

LONELINESS and the need for companionship are among the toughest challenges for anyone who is hurting, particularly someone who has just ended a relationship or who is going through a separation or divorce.

In those periods of depression, some people may empathise with you; some will listen just to get a boost for their own deflated egos; some will listen to see how they can use your moment of weakness to their advantage; and some will listen so that they can feel better about their own lives. Others will listen because they genuinely care and want to help.

These melancholy moments sometimes lead you to disclose a lot of information about yourself on social media that can help predators to target you. Little clues about your relationship status and your state of mind can be gathered from the statements you post, the kinds of photos of yourself that you post, how frequently you post to your page, and the times you post. For example, people who make posts at odd hours of the night either work late shifts or they do not have a companion at home — social media is their company at nights.

If you are hurting or going through a break-up, until you’ve developed the mental toughness and learnt some key strategies to protect yourself from predators, you are an easy target. A divorced, separated or emotionally bruised woman is therefore extremely vulnerable, especially if she isn’t the type who has close friends or family to shield her. When you are going through relationship issues in particular, you need to be cognisant of your weaknesses and put in place protective measures for your welfare. Here are some tips for any woman in pain who recognises her vulnerabilities and wants to protect herself.

1. Have a support system. You need to surround yourself with people you can call and who will listen when you need to vent. Your support system can include friends, family, a formal support group, your pastor, ministers at church, or a professional therapist. There’s nothing wrong with asking for support.

2. Have someone to whom you are accountable and who is assigned to watch your back. When you are hurting, you are very vulnerable and an easy victim for predators. Having a good friend in whom you can confide totally is important not only for your emotional stability, but also your physical safety. That friend should know your whereabouts at any time and should be someone who is willing to talk tough love to you when necessary. This should be the friend who will come and take the wheel of your car if they see you spinning out of control

3. Do not rely on the support of male friends only. Long-time friendships can be destroyed during that period of vulnerability if you begin to rely heavily on your male friends only for support. Some will get attracted to you now that you are no longer hitched. Some have wives or girlfriends who might not be comfortable with how much time they spend comforting you, and it takes very little sometimes for a woman who is deeply wounded to fall for that person who gives well needed support and a listening ear each time you want to vent.

4. Find things to do that will take your mind off your problems. It is easy to slip into depression when you are hurting. In low times, it’s easy to have mood swings. If you purposefully focus on spending time with others, doing things that you like that stir your passion, you are less likely to have time to feel gloomy.

5. Manage your personal time. Put in place an organised personal structure that guides how you use your time. A lonely person is more likely to feel down or do something unwise if they have too much time by themselves. While it is important to spend time meditating, for example, many people simply spend their alone time moping. Make a personal timetable that accounts for emotionally healthy activities every hour of the day, including your sleep time.

6. Make time for prayer. Often it isn’t until we are going through our lowest moments that we discover a connection with God, through prayer. The hurting man or woman, when they feel like no one else cares, might reach out to God and that’s the beginning of their spiritual connection. However, it is very real too that people who are overwhelmed with problems sometimes experience moments when they simply cannot pray and do not want to hear about God. I have had my moments and many friends admit they too have had those moments. What I can say, though, is that prayer works. If you pray consistently, make prayer a part of your daily routine, and stop trying to solve your issues by yourself, you will see the results of those prayers.

Marie Berbick aka ‘The PR Girl’, is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration (SUPHER). Follow her on Twitter @thePR Girl. E-mail marieberbick@gmail.com