I can’t get over my exes
Dear Counsellor,
How does one stop living in the past? I can’t really get over my exes. I don’t have any desire to be with them, but I still think about them a lot. I even get jealous when I see them with other people. Also, I find myself thinking about them when I am trying to be with someone else. I compare them with potential suitors and I know that’s not right, but I can’t help myself. I just want to move on and forget my past as I feel so alone. I haven’t been in a decent relationship since 2012, and it’s like I choose one bad guy after the other.
All the ex-boyfriends you have had have all impacted your life in some way or the other and so the effect, good or bad, will linger for a while. Break-ups are likened to the passing of a loved one where the person goes through a grieving process. The typical five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is obvious that you have not yet reached the acceptance stage, as you are still pining after these gentlemen.
The fact is that there is no set timeline or order in which the grieving person will go through the process. For some it may take six to 12 months, for others the process may last for years. For some people they descend into a state of depression from the onset and remain there for a long time.
As the song says, Memories don’t leave like people do; they always stay with you.. You have been holding on to the memories, maybe a little longer than you should.
Do you have any mementoes that you are holding on to that remind you of these gentlemen? An item of clothing, pictures, jewellery, cards? Maybe a song, perhaps? If you can identify those items that bring back the memories, you may want to get rid of them to avoid the temptation.
If you still have an emotional attachment to any of them, you may want to avoid any physical contact. Even a phone call can trigger the emotional feelings and lead you to a place that you never intended to go.
Are you involved in rebound relationships? How soon after the last break-up did you begin the next? The shorter the period, the more difficult it will be to stay focused on the new relationship and not keep looking back. The experience of the past relationship would still be fresh in your mind and so the tendency is to compare the former with the latter. It is always advisable to ensure closure on the last relationship before you move on.
What happens most times is that the person who is on the receiving end of marching orders may not accept the fact that the relationship is terminated, and still holds on hoping for a change of heart. Sometimes they are not even told the reason for the break-up and are left in a state of uncertainty regarding the status of the relationship. In a bid to get back at the person they rush into other relationships with people who they don’t even care for. And so the cycle of poor mate selection continues.
What is the motive for getting into a relationship? Desperation? If that is your driving force then you will always be making bad choices. So use the break from intimate relationships to seriously ponder your future in this department. A self-imposed time out is necessary to allow you to re-establish and realign your deal takers and deal breakers. When you have done that, then you can re-enter the market. You must, however, remain committed to your DOs and DON’Ts list.
So even though you may feel alone it is better that being in a relationship and feeling lonely, as happens in many relationships. Enjoy your singleness for the time being and do not stress yourself unnecessarily.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
