…And then his wife came back

Dear Counsellor,

I write to you with tears in my eyes because of a recent situation. I fell in love with someone who I’ve now come to realise was lying to me throughout the whole year and some months of our relationship. When we met I told him I wasn’t looking for romance and he said he wasn’t either because his wife had left him. I just wanted friendship as I was a year into my last break-up which had left me devastated. We had been friends for a few months when he told me he had feelings for me. I said I would give it a shot but that we would take it slow because he would be going through his divorce. At first it was real good until he said his wife came back. Things didn’t change right away but they gradually went downhill. During our relationship they were still living together, but he told me he had no feelings for her and he didn’t want to lose me. When this new year began he broke my heart, telling me that he wanted to work things out with her in spite of all that I had been through with him. I’ve been put through the mill, from threats to nasty e-mails. My question is, did he really love me or was he lying all along? I really need some advice.

Chances are, the gentleman was not lying that he had fallen in love with you, neither was he lying that he wanted to work things out with his wife. It is not unusual for couples to have a change of heart and make an attempt to repair the damage to their relationships. Sometimes children are involved or they decide to go for counselling and then are reunited. On many occasions there is no closure to the relationship and so the door is still ajar.

What happens is that in the interim one or both partners may pursue other relationships, sometimes just to maintain companionship and other times to ensure that they have options.

It is important to note the emotional state of someone who has just come out of a break up. Emotionally they are quite fragile and as such are in a vulnerable state. They need emotional support and are likely to be attached to someone who offers care and attention. So you just happened to have been present at his time of need.

After being hurt from your last relationship you wanted to take it slow, which makes sense. However, emotions intervened and a relationship developed. Again this occurrence is not out of line, as when it comes to affairs of the heart, things you did not plan for do happen. It is just unfortunate that after getting some assurance that he was going through a divorce, the tables have turned.

The lesson to be learned from this experience is one that many other women could also benefit from, and that is to be very wary of men who claim they are pursuing divorce proceedings, but you are not sure as to the legitimacy of the claim. It could well be a thought with no action on their part. The other pronouncement is that they have “no more feelings” for the wife. If that was so, as in your case, why would he want to work things out with his wife? Feelings are not controlled by an on and off switch.

His assertion that he does not want to lose you is a clear indication that he wants you to assume the role of the other woman. Are you prepared to play such a role? The threats and nasty e-mails are warning signs of things to come should you decide to play the secondary role.

Sometimes in life things happen and we have to just accept responsibility and move on. This is one such episode. Stop beating up on yourself for what may have happened, instead be strong, learn from the experience and be more resolute on your stance regarding future relationships. Let your head rule your heart.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.