I want him back
Dear Counsellor,
I was in a relationship for 16 years and I broke it off a few years ago because we were going through problems and I didn’t know how to cope with them. We were still always close although we started seeing other people. I realised that I was never happy in the other relationships and kept comparing them with my ex. I then decided to try to get back with him, and then I found out I was pregnant. I told him, but he wants nothing to do with me and has told me there is no chance of us getting back together, although I know he still loves me and would do anything to help me. I love him so much. What should I do?
It is for this reason that it is always recommended that couples seek professional help when their relationship is in trouble, especially when you have shared the better part of your adult life as a couple. Being with someone for 16 years, you would have learnt a great deal about each other. Looking back, would you say the problems were insurmountable and could not be dealt with in an amicable way?
Some couples who find themselves in conflict use the “time out” strategy in an effort to address the issue. Though it might be useful, it comes with certain conditionalities. The couple must agree if dating other people is permissible and what boundaries would be maintained. There is usually a time period after which decisions are made either to continue or end the relationship, and both partners would have accepted the outcome.
Probably you could have considered that approach instead of walking away without knowing for sure what you really wanted. The mistake couples make is feeling that the problems they experience in a former relationship will be eliminated when they start another one. But the source of the problem could reside in you and what you in fact have done is to transfer the problem to the new relationship.
With the time-out strategy you would do an introspective look at what’s going on with you and contemplate what contribution you may be making to the detriment of the relationship.
The fact that you left the relationship and now want to return suggests that even though you were physically separated, your emotions were still present with your ex. It is not easy to wipe away the memories of 16 years, good or bad, and so the feelings will not be extinguished by having other relationships. As you have experienced, they have only intensified.
When a break-up takes place and there is no closure, what has happened in your situation does occur. You are now carrying a child for someone else and so the chance of re-establishing your former relationship seems unlikely to happen. You definitely need to look ahead instead of looking behind. Whether or not you both still have feelings for each other is not relevant at this time. What is important is the child you are carrying and the plans that must be put in place to raise this child in a loving and stable family.
Concentrating your efforts on getting back with your ex is not the recommended way to go. You will only succeed in frustrating yourself and making yourself emotionally drained. For obvious reasons you need to remain physically and emotionally healthy. Seek instead to establish a functional relationship with the child’s father.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
