I want to leave her

Dear Counsellor,

Approximately seven years ago I met my girlfriend. She became pregnant and I asked her to move in with me in a house I had purchased a few years before. You know the phrase, “See me and come live with me are two different things”? Bad decision. The first two years were rough with constant fighting because I chose to hang out with friends. My friends are mostly women, and they were introduced to her. However, her attitude was not pleasant. I didn’t want to marry her and I told her so. I suggested that she move back to her mother’s or that I would help by taking a loan to rent a place for her. She declined both offers and refused to move. I think she is frightened about going on her own because she is comfortable where she is as I pay most of the bills.

Years passed and quite frankly, I am embarrassed to say, there were more babies. I tried working with her by telling her what I didn’t like in terms of her attitude to me and my family. She would improve then relapse. I tried counselling but during the counselling she wouldn’t talk.

She’s a very reserved person and I am reserved myself, so the communication between us is terrible. I would appreciate if she expressed to me what she wants or what I’m not doing. Mostly she sits or mopes around like she wants me to be sorry for her. I want to leave but I keep thinking about the kids. I sometimes think about getting a woman on the side but I can’t be bothered with the stress that comes with it. I feel like I am constantly under pressure, which affects my performance at work. Do you have any suggestions?

Sometimes in life we make decisions that in hindsight we would have done differently. However, having already made the decisions, and even though we may have regrets, we have to live with the consequences of our actions.

What would you say you have learned from this episode in your life? Did you carefully consider your options before you took certain actions?

Surely there must be a lesson that you and other people reading your story must learn from this experience. One glaring one is that couples should spend some time establishing their relationship before bringing a new life into the picture. The fact that you mentioned that you invited the young lady to live with you because she became pregnant suggests that circumstances forced you to extend the invitation. It seems that you continued the relationship only because she was carrying your child. And because the foundation of the relationship was weak, there were problems early in the relationship. So she was just the mother of your child and not your significant other.

If she was number one in your life, hanging out with girlfriends would not be a regular pasttime as you would have been too busy spending quality time with your woman. So instead of building the relationship with your girlfriend you were elsewhere bonding with other women. Which was more important?

So time has elapsed, more children have arrived, and the relationship has obviously not grown. Your partner also seems to be unhappy with the state of affairs as she may well be disappointed that you have never given her the number one status she believes she deserves. She may be thinking that being the mother of your children is good, but not good enough. Having been told that she was not “wife material” may have affected her psychologically and caused her to be withdrawn. Her moping around, as you term it, could be the unspoken message she is sending to you that she needs your undivided attention and emotional support. She may need to engage in individual therapy to deal with self-esteem issues.

You seem to be pointing fingers at your partner and blaming her for the state of the relationship, but have you stopped to think that you may have contributed to the breakdown in the relationship? Do you take any responsibility for what is going on? Surely you must be accountable in some way.

The children may be young now and may not understand that their parents are not getting on, but in time they will sense the acrimony and may begin to act out in inappropriate ways.

Leaving should not be an option you would want to consider at this time, bearing in mind the devastating effect it would have on the young children. Engaging in an outside relationship would only drive a deeper wedge in the relationship.

There are a number of issues that need to be addressed that a competent counsellor would identify and attend to. The recommendation therefore is to re-commence the counselling sessions, if not with the same counsellor, then with someone else. Couple sessions are necessary but individual sessions are imperative given the concerns raised.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.