Tired, stressed, alone and miserable
Q: Dear Counsellor
Years ago I met a really wonderful man and we became friends. He told me he was in a relationship and that she was perfect for him. We became close. I got pregnant because he said he wanted a child and his girlfriend couldn’t have children. When I was three months pregnant he told her about me. Things didn’t go well and she called me and asked what I expected from him. I told her I expected him to take care of his child.
He was there from the beginning financially, but emotionally he wasn’t. The baby would move and he wouldn’t feel the baby. I cried every day and night. When the baby was born he told me he was getting married. I was devastated. When the baby was four years old we started having sex again. A few weeks later I got the feeling that he was seeing someone else and I found out I was right. He was seeing his co-worker who was married. Every day they would send explicit texts to each other. He would take her out to nice places, and he even took her to his apartment in the evenings. He even expressed how he felt about her, though he never told me how he felt about me.
We never did anything special. I feel like a fool. I am not perfect like his woman is, but I have been honest with him from the day I met him. It hurt so much that I have become depressed and miserable. I love him so much. He says no matter what, he still wants to be with me. But what does that mean? He is still sending her text messages saying that he misses having her and he is even giving her money. I am tired, stressed, alone and miserable. I feel invisible like no one wants to be with me. He makes me feel like damaged goods. I really try to feel better, but I can’t help feeling like this.
A: There are many lessons to be learned from this experience and it behoves women in particular to look, listen and learn and not make the same mistakes.
Firstly, Mr Mention declared that he was in a relationship which would indicate that any other woman who came into the picture knew from the outset that her status would have been the “other” woman. It should have indicated to you that he was unavailable. Nevertheless, you chose to enter the mix. Mistake number one.
You may have felt that since you had a distinct advantage over his perfect lady, having a child for him would have sealed the relationship. Mistake number two.
It is obvious that the gentleman is not the settling-down type and it is just unfortunate that you ignored all the red flags to that effect. You are still hoping that he will come around and that you, he and the baby will be a nice loving family. That is the ideal, but from all indications it does not appear that your dream will be realised anytime soon as he is still on the hunt.
Having been so emotionally and physically overwhelmed by the whole experience, it is now all about self- preservation. You need to get to that place where you acknowledge your mistakes and seek to get back on your feet again. One can understand your hurt and disappointment, but wallowing in self-pity is not going to fix things in your life. Don’t expect the gentleman to fix it either. The only person who can make it happen is you.
You clearly need help to put the pieces back together again. Talk with someone you can confide in or seek professional help.
You have a child to care for. Envelop the child with much love and affection. You have to decide if you are going to allow your fragile emotional state to be further eroded by hopeless expectations.
Please don’t make mistake number three — that of getting into a rebound relationship. This may result in a repeat of the same experience. You are hurting and you need to go though the healing process in a timely fashion.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
