Plan your way out of an abusive relationship

THERE are many women in abusive relationships who are suffering in silence. Many seem to want to get out but are fearful. I noted in a recent article three of the reasons women are fearful of leaving abusive partners.

These were a genuine fear of their partners, financial constraints, and children. There are other reasons, too, including women not wanting to give up assets and lifestyle. However, do not fool yourself. Stress kills! The material possessions you refuse to leave might outlive you! Your happiness and peace of mind are more important than material things.

A woman who truly wants out of an abusive relationship can break free if she wants it bad enough. She just needs to identify the solution to whatever is keeping her from leaving, and plan her way out.

Here are some things to consider and possible strategies that can help you get out of an abusive relationship.

1. Face your fears and deal with them

A woman who is constantly being beaten down physically or emotionally will eventually experience low self-esteem and battered women’s syndrome. She will also become fearful of her abuser. To break free from that abusive environment, she has to face these fears head-on and decide to tackle them. Start thinking solutions: This is my current situation, how do I get out? Start exploring the hows of your situation.

2. Reach out to someone

Some women are too ashamed of their situation to talk to anyone about it, but there are many more women like yourself out there. The moment you decide to tell someone, you will realise just how many others are in a similar situation but are too afraid or ashamed to speak about it. It is imperative that a woman who is seeking to break free from an abusive relationship gets support. If you don’t have a close friend or relative to confide in, find a support group or a women’s ministry at a church.

3. Start documenting the incidents of abuse

Whether it is by taking pictures of your injuries, telling someone, reporting the abuse to a women’s crisis centre or the police, you need to start documenting the abuse. This is important because it will help you to get a protection (restraining) order when you finally decide to get out the relationship.

4. Make no sudden moves, plan your way out

Just like your grandmother would say, if yuh hand inna lion’s mouth, tek time draw it out. In situations where economic constraints prevent you from leaving someone who abuses you, you have to be smart in pulling out. Make no sudden moves. The strategy is for you to plan and save your way out of the relationship. Let’s say you are working with a six-month plan. You want out in six months but you need to be able to take care of yourself financially. Sum up your situation carefully. Do a tally of your monthly expenses. Ask yourself how much money you need to earn monthly to comfortably support yourself, and where children are involved, account for their expenses too.

5. Improve your skills to earn more

The idea is to eliminate the financial dependence that is preventing you from leaving the relationship. It is imperative that you recognise what skills you have that you can utilise to earn extra income. Can you earn the kind of money that you need to take care of yourself, using the skills you currently have? If you can’t earn it with your current skills, what other skills can you learn in a short time that can earn you extra money? How much will these personal improvements cost you and how long will it take to complete the training? Remember you are working with the short term now. Find a short course you can do that will help you make extra money. It could be make-up and skin care, nails, wig making, weaving, floral design, something you can do in six to eight weeks and get a certificate. You could also type and format documents for companies and professionals if you have those skills or buy and sell items to start turning over some money.

6. Learn to defend yourself

A woman who wants out of an abusive relationship must learn to defend herself. Self-defence helps her to take care of herself with simple but effective techniques that can ward off an attacker and save her life. A woman in an abusive relationship should consider acquiring these simple skills that can be pretty useful in such situations. You won’t use this new-found skill to become the aggressor but can you imagine the surprise on that man’s face when next he attacks you and ends up with a powerful uppercut that knocks the breath out of him?

7. Identify your new home

If you plan to move, start asking around for somewhere to live at least two months before your six-month plan expires. And don’t go moving into a house down the road from your abusive partner. Go as far away as you can. Ask friends and colleagues to help you locate somewhere to live and be smart about where you choose to live. If you can get into a gated community, do so. If not, get to know your new neighbours even before you move in. They can help watch your back. Finally, you don’t need to move in one go. Take your time and move small items even over a week or two and preferably get the rest of your things out when he’s not around.

Marie Berbick, aka ‘The PR Girl’, is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.