I want to help him
Q: Dear Counsellor
I am having a problem in my relationship. This year makes nine years since we have been together and we have two children. Sometimes I feel he doesn’t love me anymore as we do not go out and he is never around. He goes to bars and drinks a lot and spends hours. He’s a gambler. When I ask for money he always says he doesn’t have any and because I am not working, I have no other source of getting money and this leaves me feeling frustrated. At times I feel like moving out and ending the relationship but when I think about how it will destroy the children I give it a second thought.
I love him and I would want him to stop the drinking. I talked to him about it and the effects it is having on our family and he said he is going to try harder. Then he will try for about a week and then it’s back to square one. What can I do to help him?
A: Such is the power and control of alcohol and gambling. This compulsive behaviour destroys relationships and families; it is as if the person can’t control the urge to not partake in these activities.
Fortunately there are special therapy groups that are arranged for people with alcohol and gambling addiction problems.
Your partner may have been driven to the behaviour in a bid to escape or cope with some problems he may be having. When did he begin this behaviour? Is this behaviour recent or did he always have the tendencies? If it is the latter then the recovery process would take a longer time as habit forming behaviours become ingrained with continuous practice.
It is not surprising that your request for money is not positively received. Funds that should be channelled to the family are wasted in unproductive selfish exploits. People with addiction problems are preoccupied with the activity so much that they neglect their personal and family responsibilities. This is one definite sign of addiction.
Your partner like many other addicts will acknowledge that they have a problem and will even try for a few days, weeks or even months and are soon back on the downward slippery slope.
There is not much you can do than to encourage him to seek help. He must understand the emotional pain his reckless behaviour is causing you and the devastating impact it will have on the children. It is not unusual for men in particular with alcohol problems to be violent and inflict physical harm on their partners and children. Fortunately for you this has not happened.
Is there a family friend or relative who could speak with him? In the meanwhile do some research and find out where the nearest Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) group meetings are held. Individual therapy sessions would also be recommended to deal with the underlying reasons that drive the behaviour.
He probably still loves you but is just torn between you and the things he is addicted to and needs help to separate himself from them.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
