I don’t love him anymore

Q: Dear Counsellor,

I have fallen out of love with my husband and it is stressing me out. We have been married 10 years. I feel bad and sad hurting him because he is a good person. I was usually a good wife, but while being a good wife, I was always in fear that my husband would one day leave me. He wouldn’t come to church with me, and I felt then like I was wasting time because I feared he would leave and I would be stuck. One day he told me that if I saw better in any way, I should take it. I was so shocked because he was saying to me what I feared most.

I felt like I was in another world so I took it very seriously. I jumped up, and started taking charge of my life, with the conviction that I had myself to look after. I moved out. He started crying, begging me to come back home.

I have been living with him because I don’t know what to do. I got a job last year, met someone and fell in love. We talk on the phone at least three times per day. It’s like I can’t go a day without him and he without me. I love this man so much it’s like he is my knight I have been waiting for to come rescue me from where I don’t want to be.

My husband got me pregnant. It was stressful and I ended up in the hospital. It was from that moment my love for him died.

My husband can’t keep a job. Even though I am back at my husband’s house my heart is with this other man. My husband now knows about him and it is getting bad. I am in fear for my life. My husband wants to be intimate and I don’t, so I am going to leave. He is a good man but I just don’t love him anymore.

A: For a relationship to withstand the demands placed upon it by the pressures of life, the couple must be willing to do whatever it takes to keep the love flame burning. For those who neglect to do so, the flames will eventually be extinguished and may never be reignited.

So after 10 years of marriage you reached a turning point in your life where you were no longer in love with your husband but felt somewhat uncomfortable hurting him. If you were in a counselling session the counsellor would ask what were some of the positive attributes of your husband that attracted you to him. Is it that those qualities no longer exist? When did this change come about? Did any significant life changing event occur at that time? Is there any chance of restoring the romantic feeling you once had? If so, what would have to change? Is it that the negative qualities far outweigh the positives and you are so overwhelmed by them?

The truth is, as time goes by people change and respond differently to internal and external challenges. So the once tolerant person may become quite impatient over time as he deals with the struggles of life. This would negatively impact the relationship and so lead to interpersonal conflicts and breakdown in communication.

When someone is in a dysfunctional relationship, it is not unusual for one or both of the partners to find interest elsewhere. Most times it is just to have that person provide the emotional support that he or she so desires. Your connection with this other man is an attempt to supply that particular need in your life at this time.

The fact that you are pregnant for your husband has somewhat complicated matters but the child, though in an embryonic stage, is already in the picture and so you both have to make the appropriate preparations not only materially, but as you know the child will need the love and attention of both parents. Are you both at the place emotionally to provide such support? It does not appear so.

Inasmuch as you have found love with this other man, be aware that this is a rebound relationship and that you are now going through the “honeymoon” stage of the relationship with all the glamour and glitter. This will wear off with the passage of time. The arrival of the child may change the entire picture, as more attention will be directed to the baby and less to the gentleman. Your husband no doubt will also make his presence felt as the child’s father.

So you need to have some discussions with the two men in your life and decide on the modus operandi with each. Hopefully there can be peaceful and amicable resolution as they both accept their respective roles. If your life is at risk, then you must do what is required to safeguard your life and that of the unborn child. Whatever you decide, make sure the interest of the child is always protected. Don’t hesitate to seek counselling to help you navigate this journey of your life.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.