Returning to the dating scene
RETURNING to dating after a prolonged absence is almost like returning to study after a long break from the classroom. Every skill that you need to effectively play the dating game feels rusty, especially if you were in a long-term relationship. In fact, you can feel like a fish out of water, with little or no idea how to handle yourself now that you’re back on the market.
Once you recognise your vulnerabilities, it’s time to purposefully seek to re-orientate yourself, or you can bet you will get played by men who know exactly where you are at mentally. Re-orientation is necessary to help you understand the dynamics of the current dating scene, because it is quite likely that a lot has changed since you were busy being courted by your last long-term partner.
For example, a woman who goes into a marriage childless, has children during the course of the marriage, and divorces 10 years later, might find that her list of characteristics that she is seeking in a man will need some adjustment.
It’s not a bad idea to start your re-orientation based on a checklist which could include the following:
1. Be clear in your mind about what kind of relationship you want at this stage of your life. Do you want to just date, have someone with whom you hang out and share quality time with no plans to settle, or are you seeking someone for a committed relationship? Sometimes people who have been burnt in long-term relationships never recover from the pain and carry with them the fear of commitment and seeds of mistrust for the rest of their lives. These are the people who might stick with just dating, no commitment. You must therefore be clear about the kind of relationship you want and use that as a guide to identify the right prospects.
2. Develop a realistic checklist of the characteristics that you are seeking in a new partner. If you are interested in finding a new long-term partner, having a realistic checklist of the qualities you are seeking in that partner is a good idea. Note I said realistic, because for women with children it’s important that the man likes or can deal with your children. You might be single but you are a package deal and some men do not want to have to deal with the package. Whilst some men will date you because they find you very attractive, they might not want to get serious because they are not interested in your children. So find out from the beginning whether he is the kind of man who can and wants to deal with a woman who has children.
3. Talk to your friends who are dating. One of the easiest ways to re-orientate yourself with dating after a long-term relationship is to talk to people who are single. Ask your responsible single friends to share tips with you on how to handle yourself as you seek to start dating again. Male colleagues can also be very useful in this regard. But remember, not everyone’s experience will be applicable to you, so listen keenly and be smart about your decisions.
4. Does he have children and does he want children with you? The second time around comes with some serious considerations and questions that you need to ask the prospective new partner. You might have children from your previous relationship, but does he also have kids. and if not, does he want children and do YOU want more children?
5. Prepare yourself emotionally, mentally and otherwise. A woman who is still hurting from her previous relationship is not ready to take on a new partner or she might end up hurting that person. Ensure that you are mentally and emotionally ready before putting yourself back on the market. You deserve a healthy relationship, so work on the personal things that contribute to a healthy relationship before you begin dating again. This might mean getting counselling about any unresolved issue that can affect a new relationship. You can also use the time to work on yourself physically if you think that losing a few pounds or changing your hairstyle will help you feel energised.
6. Keep an open mind. Don’t write off certain prospects because of age ideals. For example, don’t close your mind to the possibility of ending up with a younger man because you feel that they are not mature enough. While younger men might come with a red flag over their heads, there are some mature, responsible younger men out there who are actually looking for a woman like you. Given the opportunity, they will turn out to be great partners, who are responsible and mature.
7. Go where you can meet people. One thing that frustrates women who are re-entering the dating scene is how difficult it is to actually find a good man. Bear in mind though, that if you are the type who goes to work and possibly church and back home, it is unlikely that you are exposed to enough new people to find a partner. So start going out, even once a month to places where you are likely to meet new people. This also gives you the opportunity to familiarise yourself with the dating scene by observing keenly the behaviour of men and women on dates. Get involved in activities that take you outside of your little circle. Join professional associations, do some charity work, travel if you can afford to, and last but not least, consider a reputable dating website that screens the prospects for you, but proceed with caution.
Marie Berbick aka ‘The PR Girl’, is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration (SUPHER). Follow her on Twitter @thePR Girl or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.
