I want some attention
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I am 17. I have been in a relationship for eight months. Recently, I’ve been feeling neglected and unwanted. I know it’s from post-exam stress, but I can’t help it. My boyfriend is almost never around me anymore. Even my mom is asking if we broke up. I have an awesome profile and I’m expected to pass everything except math, which he is tutoring me in. I help him with English in return. Am I being unfair and insecure or am I being side-chicked? I have no evidence that he is having another relationship. I simply want the attention he gave me before.
A: A relationship should provide a sense of belonging and a feeling of being appreciated. When these necessary ingredients are missing there is cause for concern. The question, though, is whether the concern you have is real or imagined. What were your expectations going into the relationship? Did your partner share similar expectations? Did he indicate that he was interested in a committed relationship? Were you expectations realistic?
Sometimes partners are on different pages as far as what they want out of the relationship. This will determine how much time and effort both people are prepared to put in.
You did not indicate the age of your boyfriend, but if he is a student and in your age range then he may be focused on school and decided to prioritise his time, with schoolwork taking precedence. If he is not, then he may want you focus more on school and so stayed away so as not to distract you.
As you are realising, a relationship is serious business that consumes your entire being. If not handled maturely, it can negatively impact your emotional and psychological well-being. If you are not careful your school work can also be compromised.
The truth is you can’t demand the attention that you claim you want; it must be freely given with no undue pressure. If, as you reported, he is almost never around you anymore, it could be that he is sending you a message that he is ready to move on. Sometimes some men would rather drop hints of their intention rather than directly confront the women. They lack the heart or the skill to make an amicable separation. Others would prefer not to terminate the relationships but to keep the door open for future engagements.
So your concern as to whether or not you could be ‘side-chicked’ could be a valid one. However, in the absence of the facts, this is just a hunch. The question is: Are you so troubled about your status that you would want to go do some detective work to ascertain where you stand? Is it worth the time and effort?
You may want to have a face-to-face discussion with your friend, sharing your feelings as to what you are experiencing, and have him declare where he stands in the relationship. If such a meeting is not forthcoming then write him a letter.
You have a lot going for you academically and so you can’t afford to lose focus. Try to keep your career and personal goals in perspective and pursue them assiduously. It is important that you preserve your self-worth which you don’t need someone else to validate.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
