He can’t stay up
Q: Dear Counsellor,A: Premature/rapid ejaculation is said to affect 20 to 30 per cent of men. It is very distressing for both the man and his partner and can lead to relationship problems if not addressed. It is a condition that some men are embarrassed to talk about, and some partners like you are hesitant to raise it for fear of bruising the fragile male ego.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I really love and respect him, but I have a concern. I can never enjoy sex because he can’t keep it up for long. I don’t want to hurt his feelings so I don’t know how to talk to him about getting it checked out. I don’t know if he’s too excited or what. He doesn’t have to penetrate me to ejaculate. I try not to show any bad face. I act like it’s not a problem. But it is a BIG problem. I try to satisfy him in other ways and he seems to love it, but what’s in it for me? He doesn’t like the idea of oral sex and it’s really a concern for me. What can he do to overcome this problem? I need help.
The fact is that the condition impacts both persons and so the couple must seek to resolve it together. The word to men who experience this condition is to forget the hype and societal dictates about being macho and squarely face up to your shortcomings. It is only when you take a humble posture that you and your partner can jointly deal with the matter.
You no doubt speak for many women who suffer in silence, but who genuinely want to help their partners to get over the problem. This is commendable as this indicates a willingness to offer support to your partner. As much as you may be frustrated, your partner is much more distressed even though he may not say or show it. The worst thing you could ever do is to curse or ridicule him, which is what some women do, and that only complicates the issue.
Most times premature ejaculation is anxiety-related, and all that is required is for him to move out of the “performance” zone, relax, and just enjoy the lovemaking experience. Men who practise over the years to engage in hurried sexual encounters can condition the genitals to respond in like manner, resulting in rapid ejaculation.
There are a number of sex therapy techniques that you both could engage in that can help to alleviate the problem. There is a technique known as sensate focus that sex therapists recommend for couples with sexual disorders that has proven to be quite effective. It reduces anxiety and removes the performance element from the sexual experience. Sensate focus exercises seek to increase communication and engage the couple in a total body and mind connection, tapping on all the senses in the process. You can go online and read up on the topic or visit a local bookstore and look for sensate focus exercises in books on love, sex and relationships.
The misconceptions concerning oral sex remain an issue for many men (and women). Like your partner, despite evidence to the contrary regarding what they may have heard, they still hold to their position. So they would rather receive than give oral pleasure. The same can be said about some women as well. Lovemaking was designed to be a shared experience and the goal should be to pleasure each other without pressure or guilt. If any of those two elements are present, then it’s time to have a serious conversation.
Approaching your partner on the sensitive matters you have raised requires tact and appropriate timing. Tell your partner you would wish to have a talk with him about the relationship and what could be done to improve it. Avoid using “you” statements, and don’t approach him right after your disappointment in bed. Maybe you would want to share information that you have gleaned from your research on the premature ejaculation issue.
It may be necessary for your boyfriend to visit his doctor to rule out any medical conditions that might contribute to the problem.
It is important that the relationship is stable and there is a high level of commitment involved as the premature ejaculation could be situational.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com.
