I just need to be loved
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I am 32 years old and have been in a relationship since I was 15. We are married. The problem is, he is always cheating and now I find myself having no feelings for him. He hurts me over and over again. I feel no love towards him. The sex is not enjoyable anymore. He is saying that it’s because we are used to each other that’s the reason why. We have been married for 11 years and have three children. He had one child outside of the marriage and when I forgave him the cheating got worse. He got involved with a younger girl and told her that I was just one of his babymothers. When the girl called me I confronted him and he denied it. I am so unhappy because every year I get hurt by this man. What he did to me makes me bitter. I really want to quit but I made a vow before God. I am just tired of being hurt. I just need to be loved.
A: The end of your letter is a powerful statement. We all go into relationships for companionship and emotional support and we believe the person whom we choose to give our love and affection will reciprocate. Sometimes the love “flame” is extinguished due to relationship issues. In your case you said that your husband has been unfaithful and as a result you are distressed.
It is just disturbing the extent some men will go to convince the other woman of their availability. To say that your wife is one of your babymothers is the heights of disrespect. So the eleven years of marriage mean nothing and have no significant value? For your husband to present such an uncaring and erroneous statement in order to establish an extramarital affair shows the disregard he has for you, the marriage, and by extension the children. Certainly he would have to fabricate stories to build a persuasive case at the risk of destroying his marriage. The unfortunate thing is that many women fall prey to the deception and so the cycle of infidelity continues.
You have indicated that you no longer enjoy the sexual experience with your husband, which is quite understandable. For the woman, if the emotional connection and support are missing from the relationship, the sexual desire will be negatively impacted. No doubt your husband may notice your unenthusiastic response and use that as an excuse to justify his wayward behaviour.
So you have forgiven his indiscretion but he still continues the practice and dishonours you by denying his actions. One can feel your pain and understand your frustrations. The thought of looking outside the marital relationship for love and affection will cross your mind many times, but you have to weigh your options carefully and determine if “bun fi bun” is an option you would want to engage in at this time. It is at this time that you are very vulnerable so you need to be careful that you don’t find yourself at the wrong place at the wrong time and with the wrong person. Someone could take advantage of your delicate emotional state. This could only complicate the issue and cause you more emotional distress. If it works for your husband, it does not follow that it will work for you.
It is true you made a vow to remain with your husband, but he also made a similar vow which he appears to have broken. This is a certainly a case for marriage counselling, and the recommendation is that you speak with your husband about your emotional pain and discomfort and suggest to him that you wish to make an appointment for both of you to see a marriage counsellor. If he resists, let it be said that you tried to resuscitate the dying marital relationship. If and when you choose to take a decisive action you would have explored all legitimate options.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com.
