I cheated, now I want him back

Q: Dear Counsellor,

I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for just under a year. I can honestly say that he is the love of my life and I care about him. Unfortunately it got to a point in our relationship where I felt as though it was a long-distance relationship even though we live in the same place. This is something that frustrated me excessively and we discussed it many times and yet no changes were made. As this went on I began feeling distant and detached from my partner.

One night I was with a group of friends. We were all tipsy, and I ended up being assaulted by one of my drunken male friends. After that happened I was in an incredible emotional state and all I wanted to do was talk to my boyfriend; however, he was out with friends and I couldn’t get through to him. I went to talk to a female friend but she wasn’t in her room, and instead I was met by another male acquaintance. We just sat there in our intoxicated state and had a general conversation. Our conversation turned into a conversation with our lips, tongues and bodies. At the time I wasn’t thinking about the bigger picture, the consequences, or the damage it would cause. The only thing on my mind was my state of comfort at the time.

Two days later I decided to come clean to my boyfriend. He then told me bluntly that I had broken his heart. He told me that he thought I was the one and for the first time expressed how much he loves me, but can’t see himself trusting me again.

We still talk occasionally and he also told me that he’ll always be there for me. I am not a cheater, I never have been. I will not allow this mistake to define me. We both love each other and it’s one of the truest feelings I’ve ever experienced. He’s my blue skies, my sunshine. What can I do to try and reconnect with him?

A: This is a clear case of being at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person, and certainly being in an intoxicated state did not help either. Had your partner been around after the assault this occurrence may not have happened. As you indicated, you just needed some emotional support at that specific moment.

There is a thin line between the emotional and sexual domains and being under the influence of alcohol, the line was obviously indistinct.

So in terms of the relationship, the damage is already done and now you are in damage control mode. You have taken the first step which was to confess your indiscretion to your partner, and this is commendable. Obviously your boyfriend would have been hurt as the trust he had established in you was shattered.

However, withholding such information would have made you more distant than you were before as the guilt would have affected you mentally. It was a “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” situation, and you just had to take the decision that would allow you to live with a clear conscience despite the consequences.

The important thing is that you have learnt from your mistake and you will not allow it to destroy your self-worth. As humans we are prone to blunder at times; the key is to learn the lesson and avoid a recurrence.

The truth is, you can’t dictate how your partner should respond. He is hurting and will need time to deal with the emotional pain. In the meanwhile, steer clear of the guy you had that moment with. Chances are he will contact you for a possible repeat performance.

As much as your partner is hurting, you are also in a fragile emotional state and so you have to be careful how and with whom you share your feelings of loneliness and hurt. You can’t afford to have anybody take advantage of your weakness. It is by projecting a sense of regret for the incident, without unnecessarily burdening yourself with guilt, that your partner may forgive, but may not forget the slip-up. Be mindful that restoring trust can be a lengthy process for many people. For some, they just never come around.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com.