Hubby is a changed man
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I have a problem with my spouse. Everything was going great until early this year when he just changed. He recently found out that he has diabetes and he has lost a lot of weight in a short space of time. We had an argument some time ago so we weren’t speaking to each other for a few days. He blamed me for his medical problems, and though we spoke about that issue and I thought he was past it, all of a sudden he has become withdrawn and he won’t take or return my calls. I don’t know what to do. At times I feel he has another woman because he keeps away from me and we do not communicate. I have to be the one trying to find out what’s going on with him, and he’s not talking. I want to leave but I don’t want it to be said that it is because he is sick why I am leaving. What do you suggest I do?
A: Life-changing events occur in our lives from time to time and we all react to them differently. For some people it is most devastating as they are unable to cope; others, however, accept the reality and find ways of coping with the situation.
In the case of your spouse it seems he has not taken the news of his condition very well and chooses to blame you for the dramatic change in his life. Withdrawing from friends and family as well as deliberately refusing to accept calls is a normal reaction from people who are coming to terms with their illnesses. Weight loss causes great concern for these people as body image issues cause them much distress.
No doubt you are frustrated with the breakdown in communication which has negatively impacted the relationship. As a result you are now questioning your spouse’s commitment to the relationship and you are contemplating leaving.
As was mentioned earlier, people deal with their life-changing realities differently, and the caring spouse needs to support his/her partner through the challenging times. As much as your spouse may be disagreeable and irritable and difficult to live with, remind yourself that before the discovery of the chronic illness he was a pleasant person. The change was therefore associated with the news of his condition and so that must be taken into consideration. If you are married then this is where the marriage vows ‘in sickness and in health’ would be evoked.
As much as you are frustrated, walking away may not be the best option at this time. You need to find a way of breaking through to your spouse, convincing him that you are willing and available to work with him through this emotionally painful period in his life. Arguing and fussing won’t help, so try to avoid the conflicts.
The truth is, if you fail to be there for your spouse during his moment of despair then he will reach out to others who he believes will be more sympathetic.
Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if necessary. Counselling should help you both cope with the change.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com.
