Unhappy wife, unhappy life

Q: Dear Counsellor,

I have been married for eight years and lived with my husband two years prior. After we got married I noticed he started coming home very late, like in the 3:00 to 4:00 am hours.

I confronted him about it and he said he was doing transportation work for a family member with the vehicle we had together (not a taxi). When I consulted the family member he said he did not assign him any jobs so he wasn’t speaking the truth.

We were struggling to keep up with the car payments, plus I had lost my job. However, I found another job which paid less than my previous job and I told him it was best we sell the car and pay off the loan as we couldn’t manage the loan payment plus insurance anymore.

It was a war to get him to come to an agreement. He said I was bad-minding him because he could drive and I could not in spite of the fact that I had helped him take out the loan to purchase the car.

Anyway, the car crashed and the bank eventually seized it. He ran up his credit card payments and messed up some other credit payments. I took out loans to help him stabilise the payments and he went and repeated the same.

Counsellor, my husband wasted lots of his money on the car and going places I had no knowledge of. Because of him, I am not only in debt but also very unhappy because of his consistent nights sleeping out, and making excuses and rejecting my calls when I try to call him during the nights.

Each time we fight about it, he apologises and says he will stop, then he repeats it. I am getting weary from the fighting with him as he’s not changing and not admitting that he’s having affairs.

I have tried everything to work with my husband, including counselling. He wants a double lifestyle and I can’t live that way. I am very unhappy. Sometimes I feel like having a relationship outside to make him jealous as I am still very attractive and older men with possessions are attracted to me. But I wasn’t raised like that. What can I do?

A: Couples who are contemplating marriage should take note of your story. Often we ignore the obvious signs that reveal to us that the person has the propensity to behave in an unsatisfactory way, but we quietly hope for the best and expect that a dramatic turnaround will come.

Your husband obviously is involved in some nocturnal activities that do not meet your approval and so he sought to tender what would appear to be a legitimate alibi. Fortunately or unfortunately it backfired. That was a glaring demonstration of his dishonesty that should have alerted you that he has such a tendency. It is all well and good to forgive and move on, but whereas the first time was a mistake the other times would be deliberate.

If your husband is having extramarital liaisons with other women, then lying will become a regular pastime of his as he tries to cover his tracks.

Money management is certainly not one of his strengths and according to you he is also a spendthrift who has overrun his credit card. He no doubt contributed to the bank repossessing the car. This kind of reckless behaviour you would expect from a teenager, but certainly not an adult. In order to impress the people he hangs out with and maintain a lavish lifestyle, he has to spend unbudgeted money which has resulted in the high indebtedness to the bank.

If your husband doesn’t realise the folly of his ways and wise up, he will certainly destroy his marriage. No doubt with the absence of the car and the reduction in his spending power, he may even be losing traction with his “night shift passengers.” As the saying goes, “Want all, lose all.”

Your husband’s cavalier approach is not unusual for many men in committed relationships, who believe that it’s not only acceptable for them to engage in extramarital affairs, but expected. Your story is an example of how marriages are negatively impacted by the selfish actions of one partner. It takes two to tango and so the women who knowingly get involved with these men must take some responsibility for wrecking the marriage and causing one of their sisters much distress. Were the shoe on the other foot, would you like someone destroying your relationship?

You said that you have considered cheating on your husband as revenge. Don’t allow the situation to push you to lower your standards and divert from the teachings of your parents. At the end of it all, your dignity and self-respect must remain intact.

Counselling will only be successful if the clients are prepared to do what is required to fix the problem, but if your husband fails to cooperate then you have to take decisive action which may include speaking with an attorney.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com.