Young lover is too friendly with older woman

Q: Dear Counsellor,

I am 26 years old and my boyfriend is 20. We have been involved for a year but the relationship was only made official about three months ago.

I love him and I feel like he loves me but sometimes we have problems which escalate into big fights. He is friends with a 32-year-old woman whom he has known for years, but I don’t trust her motives.

She always wants to go to lunch with him or see him after work. After confronting him several times about it, he told her that I was uncomfortable with it and that he would have to stop.

One night he went to a function and she was there. His cellphone battery died and so I lost contact with him. A little later in the night a relative of his texted me and said the function was finished and they wanted to go home but no one could find him. Later that night he told me that he had walked her home and was at her house for about 15-20 minutes.

I got angry and I started crying. I felt so hurt that he would do this knowing how I feel about this woman. He said nothing happened. He said they just talked. I want to believe him, I really do, that would save me the heartache and pain, but it’s just hard. I told him I was willing to forget about it and move on if he could promise that he wouldn’t go back to her house. He said he could not promise that, because if she invited him and he feels like going then he will go. He insisted that he is not involved with her and she is just his friend.

I am hurting and I don’t know what to do. Please help.

A: Has this guy ever told you that he loves you and if he did, is it reflected in his actions and behaviour?

The truth is, many relationships are like yours in the sense that one partner can and will declare their love for the other, but this partner is not forthcoming with a reciprocal response. This could be evidence of unpreparedness or unwillingness on the partner’s part to commit to the relationship.

Your relationship is quite young and so your partner may think that he needs some time to decide if he wants a long-term committed relationship with you. Or it could be that he never wanted a committed relationship but never communicated that to you. It is not unusual for a 20-year-old male to not want to settle down and remain in an exclusive relationship at that age.

What were the parameters you both established for the relationship? How do friends of the opposite sex factor in the relationship? Is it OK with him for you to hang out with your male friends?

Trust, as you know, is integral to a successful relationship and so your boyfriend could be saying you are overreacting and that you need to trust him. He has declared that he is not involved with this woman and it could well be so. But even if his intentions are pure and above board, what about the lady? Her motives may or may not be in alignment with his.

If your boyfriend finds time to spend with this young lady it would be safe to conclude that he enjoys being in her company which on the surface is OK, but he has to recognise that he has a responsibility to you as his significant other. Take note of that statement about going to the lady’s house if he feels like. It could be interpreted as disregard for your feelings.

One way of dealing with conflict is to bury it under the carpet, as you have done, for a peaceful life. This is an ineffective way of dealing with your concerns. If the gentleman cares about you and your feelings, he should give some serious thought to your anxiety.

You, on the other hand, must appreciate that he can’t be expected to shun his female friends. What he must establish and maintain are boundaries. Visiting the woman’s house is one such boundary he should establish. He may believe he has everything under control, but you can never tell what can happen at the wrong time at the wrong place with the wrong girl.

So you and the gentleman must sit and openly but calmly discuss this issue and arrive at a decision that is satisfactory to both of you.

If he insists on doing otherwise, then you must be mindful of the signals he is sending you.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.