Why some men get violent when their relationships end

IN recent times, a number of cases of domestic violence have been reported in the press, involving ex-lovers who harm their spouses as a result of a breakdown in the relationships.

Usually it is the male counterpart who offends, and when the act is done someone ends up badly hurt or dead. But why do some men get violent when their relationships end?

Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell said men are socialised to project a macho image and to live a fallacy that real men don’t show emotions except displays of anger.

“So according to the macho script it’s the man who is the hunter and aggressor and who should pick, choose and refuse women and not the other way around,” Powell said.

As a result, the relationship counsellor pointed out that when the script is flipped, men socialised in this way can’t manage it in a peaceful and amicable way as it is not in the unwritten but well-rehearsed script they were taught.

Moreover, according to Powell, apart from losing his mother and his job, the greatest hurt to the man is being rejected by a woman, particularly one he has invested time, effort and money in.

Powell said his larger-than-life ego will not allow him to just take up his marbles and walk away like a “shame dog”.

He explained: “The thought of another man taking his prized possession is not something he will readily embrace and so he will go down with a fight — literally in some cases.”

When All Woman posed the question to a few men, like Powell they agreed that it was an ego issue, while some said it’s a case where men can’t buffer their emotions or handle hurt in a civil way. Their responses are below:

Ricardo Johnson:

It marks the end of an emotional tie where he’s been abruptly cut off. If he’s begging to come back and his partner is giving him no leeway he may become fraught with frustration and not everyone deals with rejection well. Becoming angry in the midst of a break-up is a normal reaction, but how you deal with it is a different issue. You have to understand that women are more vindictive and cunning but they are able to buffer their emotions. For men, it’s an expression of raw emotion. There’s no grey area with how we think, nor is there any limbo. It usually comes down to him being either happy with you or not, and when the relationships end, they’re not happy.

Anton Howell:

They are supposed to be the head, those in control — leaders. When they’ve lost control, it’s almost like someone cut off their balls.

Joshua Lewis:

We [men] don’t handle hurt well.

Michael Edwards:

It’s the bitterness felt over a love lost and unrealised. The fact that what they had is gone to someone else who may be better than them, bruising egos and such the like, are reasons men get violent when a relationship ends. Subsequently, violence is used as a final blow at trying to keep things in place.

George Thomas:

It’s a show of masculinity and an attempt to ascertain our position as the alpha male.