He causes me stress, unhappiness

Q: Dear Counsellor,

I have always read your column and find your advice practical and sound. I was in a relationship with a guy for two years; we were living together. During that time I got pregnant and we decided to get married. However, before we did, I found out he was cheating and cancelled the wedding. The relationship went downhill from there.

He would become physically abusive when I talked to him about his affairs and he decided to leave me for the other woman when I was eight months pregnant. He treated me really badly during my pregnancy, completely ignoring me, and I was sick the whole time. After the baby was born he said he was sorry and he wanted us to work things out and I tried but found out he was still seeing the other woman. I asked him to leave my house then. We stopped being sexually involved because I found it hard to forgive him for what he did.

I found out recently that he’s living with the same woman now. I’m convinced he never loved me. He’s a good father to our daughter and I really don’t want to separate them but I can’t handle the emotional, psychological and physical abuse anymore. I asked him to stop visiting my house because when he does he flaunts the relationship with this woman in my face and insults me. One time when he insulted me I slapped his face because what he said hurt my feelings deeply. He retaliated and slapped me several times across the face, leaving swelling and his finger marks. I chased him out of my house and called the police.

I love my daughter and more than anything I wanted her to have a relationship with her father, but to do so is causing me stress and unhappiness. I have decided to leave the country and not tell him and sever all contact with him. Do you think I’m being selfish?

A: It’s apparent that the decision to get married was contingent on the pregnancy which would have been an attempt to present the “ideal” picture for yourself and to the onlookers. However, you decided to scrap the wedding because you learnt of your husband-to-be’s cheating behaviour. Depending on how you look at it, the discovery could well be a blessing in disguise. Being married would have meant you have had the ring but not the man, as he could have initiated his extramarital liaisons during the marriage.

Again the quick-fix approach to getting married when pregnancy occurs is not recommended, as the personal bad habits of the individual will not necessarily change after the wedding or even when the child is born. A period of premarital counselling is always advisable.

Was there any sign of his abusive tendencies? Most times before the abuse becomes physical there would have been some amount of emotional abuse. To be physically abusive to your spouse is reprehensible in itself, but to inflict blows on a pregnant woman is unforgivable. Walking out at a time when you needed emotional and physical support during the pregnancy was most unfortunate. Is it that he cared more about the other woman than he did about you and his child that you were carrying?

It seems that he is a better father than he is a partner for you, and so efforts at reconciling might be challenging, especially with his abusive nature. Your physical attack on him cannot be condoned as well, and so you must also control your temper. It is important that you both engage in anger management sessions, especially if you both intend to continue with separate relationships.

If you leave with the child and he does not know of your whereabouts, that could be considered a selfish move that could have repercussions, particularly for the innocent child. Whereas one understands your frustration and the fear of being hurt, he is the father of the child and he should not be denied the opportunity to bond with his daughter.

Your experience should serve to caution couples to work on establishing the foundation of their relationship before they bring children into the mix. Most times the negative warning signs are present in the relationship at the outset but are ignored as one or both partners are hoping for a gradual or dramatic change that most times never occurs.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.