Was I wrong to leave him?
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I was in a relationship for eight years and it produced a beautiful baby girl; however, I recently decided I didn’t want to go any further with it. Shortly after we met he started working overseas and is away for eight months at a time. The relationship went well despite the distance. The real problems began when I went to college. When he came home I was still in school and so I could only see him on weekends. He was messing around with one of my friends and denied it each time I asked about it, even after she apologised for getting into my relationship. I started losing interest but tried to make it work because I was seeing positive changes in him and found out at that point that I was pregnant. I was still unhappy most of the time.
I was active in church as well and so when I got pregnant and wanted to right my wrongs with God, I discussed the matter with him. He said he was proud of me and would be happy to marry me. But whenever I asked about it I would get excuses and I could not understand why.
When he came home he would hardly have money even though we didn’t go out. Everybody knew us a couple but I still felt like he didn’t want to be seen with me. If I wanted him to come to church with me I had to beg him.
Recently I got baptised, which wasn’t planned, and he got mad at me. He accused me of finding a man in church. However, as I was losing interest over the years and getting back in church, I knew I had to make a decision.
I’ve had no regrets since, because God has been providing for me in ways I can’t explain. My ex is still calling and talking about coming home to family. I must tell you that he’s a good man but I just feel as if I had to be thinking for him all the time and that we were not accomplishing anything together. I’d speak to him over and over about how I felt, but I felt as if I was the only one having a problem. Was I wrong to leave him?
A: When partners in a relationship don’t share similar values and interests there is going to be a degree of tension between them. This is even more pronounced in the area of religion. If one person makes the decision to become a Christian and the other does not, there will be challenges in the relationship that if not managed properly can create interpersonal conflicts.
Your situation is a classic example of how difference in religious convictions can be problematic. Your decision to commit to the teachings of the Christian faith would mean a change in your former lifestyle that would have implications for the relationship. Your partner, though supportive, was obviously uncomfortable with the new arrangement and was definitely not ready to join you on your religious journey.
Separate and apart from the spiritual aspect of the relationship, you seemed to have had some issues with trust, loss of interest and unmet expectations.
Although you claim that the distance was not a problem, it no doubt contributed to the strain in the relationship. You both never got a chance to develop the relationship and the little time you had together was never productive in terms of bonding and building a secure attachment.
Although marriage would have been a logical transition after eight years of togetherness, if the concerns you had were not addressed, getting married would have brought you more emotional distress. Your gentleman’s reluctance to commit to you in marriage indicated his unwillingness to take the relationship to the next level. He was comfortable with things as they were, and chances are another eight years would have seen you in the same marital status.
You do have men who are very laid-back and do very little to advance their relationships. They feel that once the woman is at home to supply their physical needs everything is alright. They care very little for their partners’ emotional needs. So the sharing of quality time, like you mentioned, is not on their agenda. Some really don’t know better while others just neglect their responsibility.
Sometimes, in order not to be stunted in our growth and development and not be held back from progressing in life, we have to push forward alone and rid ourselves of the negative energy around us.
You claim that you have no regrets about your decision to leave the relationship and move on with your Christian walk. This is indeed a serious decision and you must be prepared to stay the course. If and when the gentleman decides to take a similar journey and you both contemplate reuniting, please proceed to counselling to address some of the unresolved issues.
Do ensure that the child benefits from the love and attention of both parents at all times.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
