Problems with my married man

Q: Dear Counsellor,

I have been in a relationship with a married man for almost two years. It has been a rather bumpy journey, as everyone knows. He repeatedly tells me that he is leaving his wife. In the first 10 months he said he wanted her to be the one to end it, but it clearly didn’t work that way. Now he is telling me that he has faced up to it and told her the truth. He moved out of his family home and moved into a flat by himself. This was back in March this year. He told me that he is dealing with it and getting a divorce. But to date, nothing has happened. I have lost my trust and quite frankly, after living in the dark for so long, I have lost my self-esteem and I don’t feel confident in relationships.

He broke things off with me two weeks ago because he was under pressure from his mom, wife and perhaps me too. He had done this before, last year, and this time it triggered the trust problem deep within me and I said to myself, “If he could cut me loose so easily like that, he can’t truly love me”. After that, I decided to put an end to it, but then he called me three days later wanting me to come back. This has made me feel really insulted that he thinks he can send me away so easily, then ask me back like it was just a mistake. I feel there is no respect in this relationship.

I know it’s foolish of me to still worry about him but I don’t like to see him upset. After all, I devoted 20 months of my life to this. I am feeling really sad and listening to him telling me those angry words every day is really upsetting me. I don’t know what to do. How can I get over this and feel happy again?

A: It is always a cat and mouse game for the “other woman” as the husband tries to negotiate and navigate his way between both women. The scenario is always the same: husband meets “other woman” and tells her that his marriage is on the rocks and he is going to divorce his wife and marry her. “Other woman” believes him and waits patiently for divorce proceedings to go through. Husband has a change of heart and breaks up with “other woman.” “Other woman” is devastated because she feels that she wasted five years of her life in a relationship in which she was taken for a ride.

Did you not see the writing on the wall? What assurance did you have that the relationship would have progressed to marriage?

Being in such an uncertain situation, you needed to have been a little more perceptive and not believe everything you were told. As you say, the ease in which he dismissed you speaks volumes about his level of commitment to you and the relationship. To call you back four days after would also suggest that he is not serious about having you in his life. Surely he must know that your feelings would be hurt by his actions.

Be mindful of the mind games being played on you to let you feel responsible for something you are not guilty of. Men do this from to time to women to appeal to their emotions.

This is the time to do an evaluation of the relationship and ascertain whether or not it was worth it to remain or move on. Would you say that for most of the 20 months you were happy? Were you satisfied to be in a relationship in which the man was already in another committed relationship, despite what you might have been told about the state of the relationship? Your personal happiness and contentment are paramount. Can this gentleman give you this assurance?

For every experience we go through there is always a lesson to be learned. What lessons have you learned that you would not want to repeat?

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.