Cheating girlfriend made me cry
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I have been having a problem with my soon-to-be wife who I found out has been cheating. I found out when I accompanied her to a job interview. When we got to the parking lot she asked to use the hotspot on my phone to do some research because she didn’t have Internet service. I then borrowed her phone to play games while I would be waiting for her, and a message came in via Whatsapp.
I opened the message and saw a heart so I got curious and opened the conversation. I scrolled to the top and saw a picture of her and a guy kissing.
I know I am wrong to intrude on her personal space. When I confronted her and asked her if she told the guy she was engaged she said he knows, but refuses to delete the picture.
I have never cried for a girl or over a girl in my entire life. I haven’t cheated. I have cried over this girl because I love her with all my heart. I told her that I will try to forgive her but I don’t know if I can. I can’t trust her anymore. Please help me.
A: The manner in which you found out about your fiancée’s romantic escapade is indeed heartrending. I’m just wondering though, if it had not been for your discovery, would she have gone into the marriage knowing full well that there is a strong possibility that an intimate association has developed or was likely to develop with this other man?
As they say, “A picture is worth a thousand words”, and no doubt the image you saw on her phone tells a story. It would be interesting to know if that picture was taken before or during the relationship with you. In any event, why couldn’t it be deleted from the phone? Could it be that she wanted to disclose it to you but just didn’t know how?
If the picture was taken before the relationship one could understand that she may have had some intimate moments with the gentleman before meeting you. If, on the other hand, all this drama took place while you are both together and moreso during the engagement, then your claim of unfaithfulness is very much justified.
If in fact she told the other man that she was in a relationship and was planning to get married soon and he insisted on pursuing her, then she indeed has another problem. It would either mean she is trying to close that chapter of her life and the guy is not prepared to accept that or there is no closure at all. Either way the marital relationship would be negatively impacted.
Now that there is disclosure, albeit in an unacceptable way, your wife-to-be needs to do what is required to restore the trust that has been shattered. She must end whatever connections exist between her and the other man. Deleting pictures and losing his telephone number would be a decisive start.
As for you, the memory of the image of your partner in a compromising position will remain with you for a while and so you have to decide if you want to proceed with the wedding plans. This is one time where you may forgive but you won’t necessarily forget as the image can remain in your head for a long time.
Postponing the wedding may not be a bad idea. The truth is there is need for counselling intervention at this time to address your hurt occasioned by the breach of confidence. Your fiancée also needs to address the issues that resulted in her behaving out of line with the expectations of a committed relationship.
Premarital counselling should also be an integral part of the marriage plans.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
