7 things to consider the second time around
ONCE upon a time, most people in unhappy marriages would not even think about getting divorced. Christians or not, marriage meant ‘until death do us part’ so they hung in there and suffered through years of emptiness and chronic unhappiness. In some cases, the men in particular would just find a sweetheart who sometimes lived just a stone’s throw away while still living with their wives, but they never divorced their wives.
For some Christian couples, the suffering was even worse because they would go to church and their 40th anniversary would be announced to much applause and admiration, when in fact, 30 of those years had been spent sleeping in separate beds and living separate lives under the same roof.
Today, the subsequent increase in second marriages even within the church, suggests that more people are refusing to stay in unhappy marriages.
The woman or man who has been through a failed marriage will have gathered some useful experience; however, the second time around is not a guaranteed success, not if you haven’t done some serious reflection and are better prepared. The pressure to get it right is even greater for the man or woman who is marrying for the second time, for a divorce can force you to start over in many ways. No one really wants to start over twice.
Here are seven scenarios that might face the person getting married the second time around:
1. Financial obligations to the ex
Although the vows say ‘for better or worse’, nobody really marries for worse. So you might want to consider how much impact your new partner’s financial obligations to their ex will have on your marriage. Don’t be fooled by the emotions that come with being in love. Women do have concerns about where their men are spending their money.
2. Your partner might not want any more children
If you do not yet have children, depending on age and other factors, you might want children with the new partner. If your partner has children from a previous relationship, he or she might not want any more so if you want children, be sure to make that clear to your partner from the onset. Failure to do this can lead to problems for your second marriage.
3. Prepare to deal with step-children
Unless you’ve decided not to consider someone who already has children, it’s quite possible that you could inherit step-children. The ages of the children and whether they live with your partner are factors to consider. Being a step-parent can be a good or bad experience so if you are dating someone who has children, take the blinders off and be sure to spend time around the children and get to know them well.
4. The ex who is the third person in the marriage
Some people are lucky enough to maintain good relations with their exes, while some are unfortunate enough to have to deal with the exes from hell. Either way, both can cause problems in your second marriage if there are no clear boundaries which are being observed.
5. Don’t play counsellor
So, you’ve had some experience with marital problems from your first marriage but don’t feel that you need to play counsellor with your partner in your second marriage, especially if it’s their first. Yes, you are wiser, but it doesn’t mean you have all the answers and your approach can create resentment within the marriage.
6. Your second might be your partner’s first
Although this is your second marriage, it could be the first for your new partner. Their outlook on some things might therefore be a bit different from yours. For instance, you may not see the need to repeat the fanfare of a traditional wedding. However, be mindful that if it’s your partner’s first marriage, they might want a memorable wedding so be prepared to make it memorable for them.
7. The second time around doesn’t mean you will get it right
The fact that you’ve been down that road [marriage] before, does not automatically mean you will definitely get it right the second time around. You have to work at it. Some people have very good second marriages because they emerged better persons from their experience with the first marriage. However, every individual and situation is different, so be prepared to continue learning and adjusting along the way.
Marie Berbick aka ‘The PR Girl’, is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration (SUPHER). Follow her on Twitter @thePRGirl or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.
