Married, but still in love with my ex
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I’m 26 and I’ve been married for a year. However, I’m still in love with my ex. I think of him all day and I miss him. I even cry and have really bad moods which affect my husband.
My ex and I were dating for four years and then he dumped me. I was single for a year then I met my husband, but I told him I was not ready for a relationship and that I was still in love with my ex. Months went by, then we started dating. But I knew I was still waiting for my ex to come back to me.
Not too long ago my ex showed up, but I told him I had someone in my life. He never stopped until the day I got engaged to my hubby. He then asked me if we could talk over coffee, which we did, and it felt so good. Things got hot, we kissed, and spent the night at a hotel. After that we spent more time together. All this happened just before I got married.
Now it feels like I have made a mistake by getting married. I have a really good man, but he is just not emotionally connected to me and he doesn’t hold me. Even the foreplay is not working for me. I feel as if I need to take control of everything we do. He is like a little boy at times, and it really gets to me. I feel bad for thinking of my ex, but I really do miss him. Please help me.
A: Entering the institution of marriage, the couple must be sure that they have no doubts in their minds that they want to get married to each other. On the day of the wedding during the ceremony, the marriage officer asks if the couple knows of any reason why they should not be married. Most couples opt not to respond in the affirmative and will go with the flow even though they are uncertain and get a last opportunity to back out. It is for this reason that premarital sessions should begin even before a wedding date is set, as certain revelations might indicate that a deferral or decision to not get married is the wiser option.
It is unfair to your husband and dishonest of you to keep up the pretence of being a wife while pining for a reunion with your ex-lover. This distraction will rob your partner of the full attention and commitment that he deserves as your lawful wedded husband. As the song says, “Your body is here with me but your mind is on the other side of town.” If you decide that your marriage is worth preserving, then you should focus your attention on your husband and forget about your ex.
If your husband is a good man as you said, then whatever shortcomings he has can be remedied if you are willing to work with him. Comparing both men is not a prudent thing to do as that will only increase your heartache.
As much as you have fond memories and you are in still love with your ex, you have made a solemn vow to your husband and so you should try your best to commit to it.
It is unfortunate that your ex is still pursuing you even though he is aware that you are married. The onus therefore is on you to call a halt, because he will be in no hurry to do so. If you don’t, you will be involved in an extramarital relationship that will cause you much more distress than you are presently experiencing.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
