Regrets in marriage

LOVE is a fickle friend. That’s why before you jump heart-first into a long-term relationship you’re asked by friends, family, and even the officiating pastor if you’re sure that you’re ready, because many experts at love and relationships understand that marriage is not eternal bliss, and people change with time. And when that change comes, sometimes factors like your religion can mean that you’re stuck with your mistake forever.

Rachel T said growing up, she was taught to ensure that she married within Christendom in order to live the happy, fulfilled dream. But when she did just that, instead of never-ending joy, she was most miserable.

“To tell you the truth, not everyone’s story is like mine, but there are many who have similar tales. I wanted someone firm but understanding; someone who knew the word of God, but knew how to romance me; someone who was grounded but also had a humorous side and understood what a time and place for everything meant,” she said.

“I got the Christian, yes, but the husband, lover, romancer — no! Most of our days were spent in warfare prayer, fasting, Bible study, then afterwards we’d go to church. That became clockwork,” she said.

She explained that while she admired her husband’s spiritual strength, the romantic relationship was neglected.

“There was absolutely no family time, personal time, and sex became a thing of the past. The church was our life. I sought counselling and was told I was not submissive and other church sisters would say how their husbands lived between their legs and I’d just listen and say nothing,” she said.

Soon, she started pulling away, and when she couldn’t take it anymore she moved back to her parents’ home and tried another method to get through to him — a secular counsellor.

“We saw a sexologist and that’s when he realised that there needed to be a balance,” she said.

But when that balance was achieved, she realised he become overt with his flirting and started hitting on other women.

“It simply shows that you can’t have it all. And if I were to choose again, maybe I would never look in the church first.”

Below some other individuals share their marriage regrets.

Shernette:

I regret marrying young. If I had given myself more time to think about the decision, I would enter it with a more mature mindset and understand how some issues work. I was 20, so I still had the Hans Christian Andersen notion of a fairy tale life.

Germaine:

One regret I have about marriage is not getting to know my partner very well. It was a brief courtship and I was lovesick, or so I thought. Within the second week arguments started. She never felt like having sex, her moods started swinging, she wanted to hang with her friends more often, and she got bored with me. We had our fair share of troubles coming. We are divorced now but suffice it to say, the marriage lasted five years, and I had a love child which caused it to end. I regret not taking time to learn about her first.

Paulette:

I regret marrying a man who had a lower level of education than me. At the time I was a manager and he was a mechanic who had no education, but he was a charmer. I thought I was not being shallow and that love had no bounds, but when it came to finances I had to step up to the plate most times. When it came on to communication there was a great barrier and I really couldn’t share some of the office jokes with him. I then found out that some of his friends were even better communicators. Some of the single-and-ready-to-mingle men at work had my attention and I thought, “Wow, what have I really done? I married him because of a sweet mouth and now he can’t even engage my intellect”. It was devastating, but we got past that. We’re still married. He went back to school, did a degree in hospitality and tourism management and we’re good now. I guess that tested the strength of our love, but if meaningful conversations entice you, never marry someone with less of an education than you. It will try your faith and not everyone can withstand the test.

Joshua:

I regret marrying a girl from my office. Everyone knew everything about our relationship. She was so emotional and whenever we disagreed she confided in the office secretary who would go around whispering to people and making it look as if I was treating her badly. Eventually the relationship fizzled. Business and pleasure just don’t mix.