His wife is an obstacle to our love

Q: Dear Counsellor,

I like the way you responded recently to a married woman who was still in love with her ex. The story is similar to mine. He wanted to get married but I wasn’t ready. We broke up. After we broke up, we met up again and l agreed to date him again. We saw each other a few times but I wasn’t invited to his house. Of course I wondered why. Then he told me he had a confession to make. He told me that he had got married two weeks before l agreed to date him again, but he didn’t love his wife as much as he loves me and that he would divorce her.

I gave him six months. No divorce was forthcoming. Then I quit seeing him. He was begging, but I refused. A few months later I met my now husband and we got married.

My ex insisted that we could stay committed to our spouses but still see each other on the side. I miss him because he is very romantic and more handsome and caring than my husband. Sex with him was great and l miss his lovemaking. l realise I should not have married my husband because he can’t satisfy me financially.

My ex still wants me back and l realise that I love him like crazy. I’ve told him to divorce his wife but he has not given me any concrete answer. I am not in a rush to have sex with him but he is the one I love. We love each other but the obstacle is his wife. I can leave my hubby; I don’t mind how much I have invested in him.

I noticed that since I’ve started seeing my ex and having lunch with him, my mood has changed and even my husband noticed it. I need your advice.

A: Sometimes in life we delay making a decision and end up regretting that we didn’t respond more promptly. In your case you had your doubts about getting married to your ex and so he got married to someone else, leaving you with the memories of the good times you shared. Now you are having second thoughts and have given him an ultimatum to divorce his wife.

Put your feet in the shoes of your ex’s wife for a moment. Would you want your husband to divorce you for reasons that are no fault of your own? Would you be OK knowing that you contributed to the break-up of a marriage? In other words, what you would not want for yourself you should not do to others, particularly another member of your own gender.

It is commendable that you chose not to cheat on your husband, nor encouraged your ex to do so with his wife, but putting pressure on him to divorce his wife is just as bad. The suggestion made by your ex amounts to striking a happy medium and clearly indicates that he does not intend to leave his wife.

So because you are still pining after your ex and comparing his creditable qualities with those of your husband, you are not as focused as you should be on your marriage. Your husband may have some financial management peculiarities, but it is not something that cannot be addressed via counselling.

Going out with your ex is not helping, but is complicating the issue instead. You said you are not in a rush to have sex with him, but it is just a matter of time before you do. You have obviously taken up his suggestion of allowing him to have his cake and eat it which will make him happy as he will have you and still keep his wife. What about you? You will have him but still will be unhappy as he won’t be leaving his wife anytime soon.

You need to sit down and think carefully about what you really want in a marital relationship and make a mature and rational decision that you will not regret again.

Bear in mind that you both are married and have made commitments to other people, and so a decision to divorce must not be grounded in triviality.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.