Young lover hurting my head
Dear Counsellor, I am 37 years old and the mother of a teenage girl. Five years ago I met a young man who was five years my junior. I developed a soft spot for him and took him into my home as he needed help and was struggling to stay afloat. He was attending a skills-training school, but had no family support and little money. At the time I was living alone as my daughter was living with her dad.
Our relationship soon grew intimate. He was very affectionate and attentive. Though he wasn’t able to contribute financially, I was able to take care of my bills as I was employed.
After about six months I came across some messages that he had been exchanging with women on a website that were intensely sexual in content. One of these women, an older woman, lived abroad and was planning a trip to Jamaica to meet him. He offered her accommodation where they would then get to know each other. I was devastated.
I confronted him and he claimed that the older woman was a friend of his mother and that she just wanted somewhere to stay while she was here. As for the other women, he said he was sorry. I forgave him after a couple of weeks and we started our relationship again.
Over the next few years we had similar experiences. He claims he never had sex with them, and that it’s ‘just a guy thing’.
I told him it was over and he should leave my house. Once again he begged and cried, calling my relatives and asking them to talk to me. Now, one year later he’s still under my roof, praying and hoping that I will change my mind and give him another chance. I don’t trust him and I never will again. I’ve grown to resent him. He says he’s been to counselling and he has now discovered God but even with all that I still don’t care. Am I really being selfish and unreasonable?
There is Jamaican saying that goes, “the good you do is the thanks you get”. After observing the distress this young man must have experienced, you decided to extend a helping hand and provided him with food and shelter rent-free. You both struck up a relationship and decided to take it to the commitment level. The least he could do is stay loyal to you and the relationship.
Obviously this young man had another agenda. He claims the flings are just “a guy thing”. That, interestingly, is the argument posited by some men to justify their infidelity.
According to you, he has repeatedly engaged in sexting and other sexual activities which no doubt bothers you especially after you forgave him numerous times for the indiscretions. And now you have taken a stand and ordered him out of your house but he has defied the order and still remains. Therein lies the challenge.
You have allowed your sympathetic and forgiving spirit to be taken advantage of. This is the sort of indecisiveness that some men capitalise on and use to their advantage.
By using the power of tears, accepting the Lord and appealing to your relatives, he is hoping he can again win your heart.
The truth is if you don’t stand resolute, chances are he will carry on with his unacceptable behaviour. If you do decide to give in to his desire of having you back in his life, you have to insist on a certain standard of behaviour which he must adhere to. Failure to comply should result in you taking decisive action, including eviction. You would be unreasonable to yourself if you don’t see to your personal happiness.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
